Pro-Wrestling Na$h is Ca$h... plus update on Lex Page

Last updated 10 June 2003

Na$h is Ca$h... plus update on Lex

By Tom "Z-Man" Zenk

'Pfohl-lactic'

"In the days leading up to the death of his girlfriend "Miss Elizabeth," the life of wrestling star Lex Luger appeared to be heading in a downward spiral, arrest records show.

On April 19, police responded to a call about a fight in the garage of Pfohl's townhouse between him and Ms. Hulette. According to the arrest report, Hulette had two bruised eyes, bumps on her head and a cut on her lip. [According to police reports, Luger punched her in the face. He was charged with battery].

Three days later on April 21, Pfhol was arrested for driving under the influence. According to a report filed by the Marietta Police Department, Pfhol rear-ended another car in his 2002 silver twin-turbo Porsche at the intersection of Cobb Parkway and Windy Hill Road. Pfhol had slurred speech, bloodshot eyes and could not locate his driver's license.He had a 9-mm handgun with him in the car. The report also states that Ms. Hulette was a passenger in the car and was sent home in a taxicab.

State court records also show that Pfohl had his license suspended after failing to appear in court on March 5 for a hearing on charges of driving with an expired tag and no proof of insurance." (source: Michelle Graff, Marietta Daily Journal)

It's easy to feel sorry for Luger Ц but the truth is Larry is Pfohl of shit. Pee Wee told me all about Luger the stooge through Barry W. and the Fla clique... an office stooge, like STINK, who played both ends against the middle; Luger was bought and paid for by Stink until Stink stooged on him to his wifeЕ everything fell apart after that.

Ask the born again Stinker ("I cannot tell a lie") why he stooged on LEX, his best friend and partner in the gym biz/ wrestling biz These two mentals could have bought the whole WCW Biz!!! MENTALS!!!!!!!!!!! Larry 50% Pfohl-lee smartened up by Flair by numbers? WWe all saw it, the whole James Gang from Pensacola. 50% groomed by SLICK RICK for his "Easy Street" retirement program... he he ...until they went too far and killed the golden goose. Now plain old Ric wanders the world, scratching and scraping for his kids to be 'somebody'. "I'm sick of training... sick of watching what I eat," Flair told the Melbourne Sun Herald (Australia) this week. Oh and "Triple H is the greatest professional wrestler in the world." Whatever....

"Police counted over 1,700 pills, 100 bottles, and six boxes of assorted steroids, painkillers, and growth hormones." - below the modest contents of Luger's war chest.

531 Hydrocodone bitartrate pills/Vicodin/painkiller
361 Carisoprodol tablets/somas/sedatives
210 Dianobol (steroid)
495 oxyflux (clenbuterol)
98 Xanax (anti-anxiety) pills
6 boxes of Saizen
various bottles testosterone
7 bottles Nandrolona
34 bottles Primobolan
19 bottles Sustanon
1bottle Laurabolin
16 bottles Boldenon
18 bottles Anabolic steroids
19 bottles Carisoprodol (injectable somas)

Before anyone claims Luger MUST have been dealing, that's about the average contents of a wrestler's tool kit. I'd guess they were all for his personal use. He liked to use a lot of steroids. And I'm sure he thought WWe would be calling. Now Liz is dead, is Lex next?? He had nothing else but his physique!

"Hulette was mixing painkillers and vodka shortly before her death, according to the Cobb County, Ga. police department records. She sat down to eat, started gurgling, and then died."

Xanax, cheap Vodka (not even Stolichnaya) plain old booze for a QUEEN! Pain med's the killer? Oxy or Hydro? pick one? How 'bout a broken heart? Impossible you say for an independent contractor who entertained you over the years? Luger sure looks like a killer BB in the photo... Mr. American, no mask needed. Dyed hair, like California Scotty KKK - only a few days later, all the pills arrived....

Poor Lizzy Beth, rejected by WWe......punched by Lex X-press........outta gas....as Vinnie boy says jokingly .........and just when Nostalgia acts were back in VOGUE!!

Na$h is ca$h !!!

Master Disaster

On RAW, "Nash and Triple H continued their attack, but the live crowd stopped booing and instead sat in silence while "the two biggest Raw stars" brawled at ringside. Eventually, the live crowd woke up long enough to chant "Diesel sucks"...."

The people see he's a joke, he hears the response ...

"Crowd sure didn't want any part of anything Kevin Nash did at RAW last night. I thought there would be groans like there were at the Corel in Ottawa Sunday night but I didn't expect the crowd to react as flatly as they did. Nash and HHH tried to make it a heated memorable segment but it just isn't there for Nash (and it never has been)" (Jeff Marek).

HHH shows poor judgment for the family once again. His swerving ways, his choice of "friends", are gonna bury whats left of him.

Al Green and OZ or 'Big Kev' were OLE creations CHEAP big guys like the Road Warriors. Ole believed he could create stars... Prior to that Nash worked the Cheetah club. He said Jake the Snake's wife's daddy owned it or was part owner? Kev was livin' off a Cheetah club stripper, maybe he married her? When Kev was on the road, she was very flirtatious with Scotty, we had to leave fast. All the girls liked Scotty, even some of mine. Anyway, first Scott Steiner gets mauled by Kev's wife in Buckhead. Later she ditched Kev.

Poor Kev. I guess his knees are shot, hence body covers all the time. Full of steroids and such (Lugers war chest? ) The stuff should be working on those skinny legs. Got his job through politics and Hall - nowadays HHH? On Byte this last week, "Kevin calls Goldberg "a special cat" who is believable, intense, and "a money player. I think he may be something we really needed to push us forward because we needed that one thingЕ I mean we're never going to be able to replace Steve [Austin] butЕ nobody will ever fill Steve's spot; but it definitely helps."

Kev is a sly cat "political player" himself. Manages to put over HHH's nemesis, Austin, too.

LOD and a little OLD fashioned nepotism? Johnny Ace aka Johnny Laurinitias Ц about to take over from Ross as VP Talent Relations Ц books his brother Animal (Laurinitias) and Hawk (Road Warriors) on RAW (Philadelphia) and Smackdown (Baltimore). Is Ace making a monkey out of Vince; or is Ross handing Ace Ц a favorite of Big Steph - just enough rope to hang himself?

"When asked about Johnny Ace's rumored move into the Talent Relations department when Jim Ross steps down, Animal said that he and Johnny don't talk business that often and he didn't talk to him in order to get back to the WWE. He said that the lines of communication opened up after he e-mailed Jim Ross. [But] Johnny is looking forward to his rumored promotion [to Ross's job] down the road and Е he too would love to help out the office in 2-3 years when his run is over. ( www.noholdsbarredwrestling.com).

Some Runnells funnin'

"The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes! interviewed on Xtreme Mayhem - May 5th, 2003. http://xtreme.themayhem.com/

"Dusty said him and Pat Patterson came up with the idea for him to wear Polka dots in WWE. The reason for him going to to WWE was for him to relax and not having to worry about booking. He said he was ahead of his time in terms of fashion and he always wore crazy outfits during the 1970's. He said his time with Vince Sr. in the 1970's was a serious time, and his second stint in 1989-1990 was just to have fun and make a lot of money. He said it was back to serious business when he returned to NWA/WCW in 1991, since corporate America had really made a mess of the company when he was gone."

Yeah, so says Big Dust. How's the indy scene, Virgil? Pat Patterson was the GENIUS behind your spot.... polka dot. wink wink, he he he Yip - the big man is stillsquirming on that - time for a replay - what about Nash in polka dots? As Dusty says, polka dots are a sign that " The reason for going to WWE was for him to relax and not having to worry about booking."

Hey big fat polka dot Dusty, remember Julie the WWF wardrobe girl from chi town - the one your son GOLDUST (the fruit of your loins) if you weel, and one of the Rockers spewed all over - her face - after she passed out from the GHB they gave her... I'd heard the rumor so I asked Julie about it. She turned a bit red and said "yeah". Just smiled about it. She was over it. Julie was one of the same 3 sister crew who loved Shawn Michaels and Scotty Steiner. I remember Scotty fucked one of the sisters in the Marriott stairwell in St. Louis ... the same night Goldusts X-Terri asked me what room Jim Ross was in....

The same Julie who Art Barr (Pipers protegee) tried to H-BOMB. His mistake, when he tried it on the Steiners and me. Art got the H-bomb instead plus the sauna steam treatment. Crashed out in his room at the Radisson O'Haire airport hotel, a chair wedged under the door knob, the heat turned up to maximum and the hot water left on in the shower. Art had to call the front desk to come let him out .. seems during the night someone also wrote all over his face with a black magic marker.. "I suck cock", "Fuck you", and a swastika in the center of his forehead? Art really got fucked up that night... poor kid, guess he over did??

Raven' loonie ..... "A caller asks Raven if there was one thing in his career he would like to change. Raven wishes he negotiated with WCW when he left ECW for the WWE. He knew that Vince Russo wanted him in and feels he could've gotten anywhere from $500,000-$800,000 to return to the top of the card. But instead "I always wanted to make it in the WWF, so without even negotiating I went to NY and took a horrible downside on the gamble that they would give me a chance and become the star I always thought I would be, and it didn't work out" Raven feels like he would be better off financially if he went to WCW, but it's always been about the love of the game, not the money for him."

How can you make money with dummies like this? He can't run his own wrestling life and says he always wanted to make it in WWF? For less cash, this guy was willing to work for WWe just to say he worked there? The guys a fucking idiot. The WWe can't draw.

The Z-Man interviews Cripple HЕ.kinda, sorta (HHH's answers are from "Alex Marvez interviews Triple H" 2000-11-15 http://www.wrestlingobserver.com/interviews/11152000_article664.shtml)

Z-Man - OK Crips, I'm not pulling any punches herre, no interview privileges just because you're screwing the boss's daughter. We all know you're an expert bs'er from years of working the biz. That said, let's begin with a proposition Е.Kurt Angle, Edge, Rhyno, John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Booker T., Rob Van Dam. This list of names is a great core for future WWe business, like it or not, like them "personally" or not, it's all you've got. They need to get started. So how come you're using your stroke with the McMahon's to push your own sorry ass and hold these young talents back Е..

HHH Ц "I've heard everybody say that Triple H has way too much say with Vince (McMahon). I don't feel that at all. When I go into production meetings and give my input into the show, 90 percent of the time I'm not talking about my stuff. I'm talking about other things that are not even my angle. Purposely when I'm in meetings talking about things in my matches, I don't say a word because I don't want people to think -- especially other agents - that I'm lobbying for my own causes. I haave no problem putting anybody over in the business under any circumstances. I never have and don't now. Here's the thing: I know the critics of our business know what they want to see and what they want to hear. That's all. If people want to make something of it, then they can. It doesn't bother me."

Z-Man - Yeah we heard that Ц you don't give a dammn what the internet thinks. Then again, you do Ц you're a student of the game. You've shown time and again you care what the smarts write about you. So back to holding down young talent for old Kliq buddies... What about Nash's situation Ц he's a physical wreck yet you're pushing him through the roof Е..

HHH - "I think Kevin is biding his time in a baad situation. He's just riding the end of the ride. Е It used to be like, maybe the show was bad or there were some bad aspects, but the boys worked hard and seemed to still care. Е. now and it just seems like guys don't care. They're just beaten down now. It's a crappy show. People are not gonna bust their ass. You see it in Kevin. You see he doesn't care. He says what he feels like at the moment. That's sad because Kevin was a guy who takes pride in his work."

Z-Man - Well, it's obvious all the guys are lackiing a certain edge? excitement? drive? Young guys want to perform and get noticed being on TV, they'll work their asses off....

HHH - "Feeling productive is the best way to innspire someone wanting to do good things. They feel at least they're given the opportunity to shine. Most guys have huge egos and want to be the best they can. They don't want to feel like, "I'm the best guy here but I need to go someplace else" Everybody should go on that show wanting to steal the show and be the best they can be. I think when they know no matter how good their performance is it doesn't matter, it's hard to put a lot of effort in...."

Z-Man - I agree totally. I guess that meanss when you're holding back RVD and Booker T etc, it's in the full knowledge that you're demoralizing them,maybe even trying to push them out.... but I guess you're prefer to detartc attention by blaming the boys for 'not strapping on a rocket' ...

HHH - "Sometimes in this business, it's verry easy to get into a rut. You're doing the same things and you get accustomed to what you're doing. You lose a little fire for the businessЕ..There was a long time there where I was on the shit list. As well as you think you're handling it, that can be demoralizing and it takes time to come back from that. I'm of the old school in the belief that when you're not in the main event position, you're saving things for the main event guys. As Rock says, it's knowing your role. I think of it as trying to display the best you can but not trying to steal from the other guys or take away from what they're doingЕЕ This company is big about opportunity. It's not like working in a company where people are pushed according to their pay level. Everyone is given an opportunity here. When you get that opportunity, you have to make your mark."

Z-Man - "big on opportunity"? right. 'Not trying to steal from the other guy', yada yada yada. Nothing at all to do with politics like the good ol' WCWЕby the way, whatever happened to the Invasion?

HHH - "The sad thing for me... with this WCW thhing. Е. if anybody could make it successful, Vince would.Е. There's a saying that high tide raises all ships. If [both brands] were great Е.all the things would bind together to make the business as a whole stronger. ... If I'm a fan and want wrestling, it's like a one-product country right now. In that way, (the future) is bad. Before, if you got a little tired of one, you'd watch the other. If you got a little tired of that, you'd go back to the first one. You had the opportunity to watch different things. It kept everybody on their toes. Now... it's like if a segment comes on and it's gonna be rotten, I can't take it off. I have to wait and see how rotten it's gonna be. It's sad in that way."

Z-Man - Absolutely. Still, I guess, you're doing your best, to turn things around. Not that its having much eeffect or anything.... but I do like whast you're doing with Flair - great insider joke with the internet fans you don't give a damn about. The way I remember it, Flair thought you sucked and drove you out of WCW back when he was booker. I remember him saying how much he hated the big nose, blonde hair gimmick... I know you can't discuss back door stuff directly but maybe you can tell us a bit of the background and leave us to draw our own conclusions Е.

HHH - "Back in 1992ЕI started trying to get intto WCW Е.Dusty was just getting taken out as booker, Flair was in and Bischoff was getting power with the company. I remember it was such an awkward thing. Bischoff did not want to bring me down. I lived in New Hampshire and he said I was living in the wrong area of the country to wrestle for them. I told them I'd fly myself down there to be on TV...."

Z-Man - mark ....

HHH- "....It was an awkward thing when I got there. I was sent absolutely nothing in advance. I was sent a flier of when to show up, whatever that date was. I think it was Feb. 3 at Center Stage in Atlanta. They told me to fly in, check into the hotel and take a cab over to Center Stage. The back door was locked and Dusty answers the door. He says, 'What do you want, kid.' I said, 'I'm here for a tryout tonight.' He said, 'Who told you to come here?' I said, 'Eric Bischoff.' He said, 'Oh really? It's not your fault. Come in.' I'm sure that was a huge bone of contention with Dusty. I wrestled that night with Keith Cole of the Cole twins. Earlier in the day, I got into the ring with some of the extra guys and (road agents) Greg Gagne and Mike Graham and Bill Dundee and Grizz (Smith) came out. We had to go through little stuff while they called out spots and we ran themЕ..When I was getting ready to leave, they offered me a contract. Е a one-year deal [the money was so low] and told me they were gonna give me a whole gimmick and repackage me and not put me on TV until they got it right. I went home and I was on (WCW) Saturday Night TV. I told them, 'I thought you were going to change this stuff.' They said, 'Don't worry. Nobody will remember. We'll just change it.' I spent six months and nothing changed. That story is that crazy. Then one day they just called me in for an interview at CNN (Tower). I'd never done an interview at CNN. They said, 'We're gonna repackage you. You're gonna be a French guy. You have to learn how to speak French and have a French accent. Now, go into the other room and cut a promo on Alex Wright.' I was trying to be Inspector Clouseau with the interview...."

Z-Man - so you're saying Flair had no interest inn putting over new talent and saddled you with a crappy gimmick to bury you. Great idea. I guess that why you're fucking with him now. Yeah, payback's a bitch. OK. You're a physical wreck, your promos are shit and you're killing house shows and ratings. When's the earliest we can expect to see you off TV? And 'chrissakes, none of the bs about going to Hollywood but loving the business more....

HHH - "I get asked a lot if I want to try tto do what the Rock is doing and go into movies... If Steven Spielberg called and wanted to make me a boatload of cash for working on a big movie, I'd love to do that, But I'm not going out and pursuing it. I love this business. I'm perfectly content to do what I'm doing. .... My goal is to make every match the best I possibly can to stay in the top mix of the business. "

Z-Man - Sheeeesh .....Ok dumb ass, how you gonna pull a match outta your ass with Kev on PPV, keep in mind people want value and your the best WWe has?

Jericho tries to pull a match outta Kev's ass.... but lucks out

HHH- "I'd like to be one of those guys who eventually does what he says he'll do and get out before their welcome has run out. I'd like to do something that Vince seemingly offers guys and for some unknown reason no one takes him up on. That's to be the Babe Ruth and occasionally come back now and then...."

Z-Man - yeah yeah, so when are you leaving.....

HHH - "...I really enjoy the other side of the business. People talk about how I'm involved in the back-side of the company. It's not because I'm trying to make a big coup. It's truly because I wholeheartedly enjoy it. It's just as much fun for me sometimes. There are times when I've either only had a promo on a show or was not in a match or not been on the show where I have actually gone and been an agent for other guy's matches and help lay them out. I like doing that. I like if guys want to have input and give input. I enjoy the creative process even if it's not me doing it in (the ring)."

Z-Man - so, that means absolutlely no chance you''ll fuck off anytime soon? OK. Final question ...Meltzer calls you the smartest man in wrestling because you've only done one pay-per-view job since 1996. How do you feel about that?Remembering also, you stated earlier you had no problems doing jobs?

HHH - "The thing is ..... When have any very, vvery tippity-topjob guys done a bunch of jobs?.."

A WWe mindfuck that speaks for itself ..... Piper discusses return to WWE by Phil Speer wwe.con May 6, 2003

WWE.com: you also in the book about never taking a Stink Face, and how you'd never want to see your son wrestle a Samoan wearing a thong. And your first feud coming in is with Rikishi. Is that a coincidence?

Piper: No, I think they're testing me. They asked (if I'd take the Stink Face). I said, "No, it ain't happening." They asked if I'd kiss McMahon's ass. (I said), "No, it ain't happening."

WWE.com: You're willing to wrestle Rikishi, but there's certain things you'll still not do.

Piper: Do I have any problem getting in the ring and wrestling Rikishi? Not at all. Not at all. I don't know about you, but I don't usually let naked men sit on my face with their ass. How about yourself? Is that fun for you? I won't even do it for money. But to (wrestle) with you? That's great. Nothing against Rikishi at all. It's just what he's chosen as a piece of business. But you have to have a morality level to get out of the sickness, and I just don't see what the purpose is there. I don't find it entertaining, only humiliating to the family members of that particular person.

WWE.com: But you do think they're testing you by having you in a feud with Rikishi right away?

Piper: I have no proof. But the first thing I was asked was about the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club. "Nope." And then (they asked me about) the Stink Face. "Nope." But he can hit me in the head with a coconut. That's not a problem. But I don't see how we're going to draw any money (by me taking the Stink Face). If somebody could explain it to me, and make it equal millions of dollars, or maybe put all my kids through school and take care of them for the rest of their lives (then I'd do it).

Feedback ....

Holy shit! Tom dropped an Alan Ginsburg quote and a Tennesse Williams reference in the same coloumn.

Professor Zenk's been workin us!

Hey Z-Man, great analysis of Bradshaw. Yeah, Bradshaw's full of BS, even if WWE tries to push him as some kind of Wall Street genius. A few years ago, they even sent him to the CNBC channel for a guest appearance on "Squawk Box," a financial program. The hosts would discuss the world of finances with their guests while line-graph graphics periodically appeared at the bottom of the screen, tracking the recent ups and downs of various stocks. Bradshaw discussed the types of stock he invests in. At one point a host asked Bradshaw about WWF stock. With a straight face, he answered, "Well, I think it's still a worthwhile investment." At the *very same time* he was saying this, CNBC flashed the line graph for WWF Entertainment -- showing the steady decrease of WWF stock.Since then, I don't think that line has turned upwards yet. Is it still a wise investment, Mr. Justin Hawk?By the way, Z-Man, the graphics from last week's column were quite clever -- in particular those Naitch-Haitch pictures.

Looks like the full-fledged campaign of kissing Crips ass is reaching an even higher level. Ric Flair is touring Australia saying Crips is the "best athlete in the world." What a crock of shit that is. Then Bradshaw saying that he actually liked the 20 minute snoozefest between Gnash and Crips. Good lord. He must really be begging for a kliq membership. Well, it doesnt matter because on October 25, 2003 will be the beginnig of the end.

I'm starting to think Flair was a bigger backstage fuckhead than HHH or Hogan.

I'm reading it everywhere, from Zenk to Honky Tonk Man, and now here's what Vader had to say. And you know what, I agree with him, esp. about the booking of Flair over Vader at Starrcade:

WCW around that time- Dusty was booker but the Executive Vice Presidents were changing regularly. He had his three World Title reigns and his US title reign under Dusty but, when Flair regained power, he lost his position in the company. Dusty tried to convince Vader not to job to Flair at Starrcade 1993 and Vader didn't really want to since he knew that Hulk Hogan was coming into the company and wanted the belt when he arrived, but he did the job anyway. Dusty told him that he'd get the belt back from Flair at a cage match called the Revenge Of Vader but, a few days before the match, Flair got Dusty's job as head booker and booked himself to win. "Flair might have been his own worst enemy at that point because he booked himself to do four straight jobs in a row" while Vader, in all of his matches with Hogan, never jobbed cleanly. Had he been champion when Hogan came into the company, he'd have had a bigger say in the company and would have had more control over what happened.

Ric Flair's bad reputation- Apparently, Terry Funk, who doesn't say a bad word about anyone, had a whole lot of bad things to say about Flair over their feud in 1989. When it comes to Flair getting his hot programs today overruled by Hulk Hogan, Vader says "You reap what you sow."

Ric Flair selling his soul in Australia The legend that WAS Ric Flair is here in Melbourne, Australia promoting a few shows being held in July. On radio and tv interviews he declares (not in character) that he considers HHH the best wrestler in the world today, mentioning amongst others The Rock, Steve Austin, Undertaker and Kurt Angle.

When asked on radio (by non-wrestling "comedians") if there was anyone who he fought who he would like to have worked a little stiffer on (I'm paraphrasing) he mentioned Eric Bischoff. "I used to work for him in WCW, before it went bankrupt" he laughed.

Tom Zenk would have got a great laugh from it. The great Ric Flair, selling his soul for Vince MacMahon, putting over a guy (HHH) who has only marginally more ability than his own inept son.

I just read the first few paragraphs of you latest column. I stopped to write this note. I have been a wrestling fan since I was a child in the '80s. As I have gotten older it has become harder to justify my continued support for many reasons. The biggest one is the disgraceful treatment of performers when they are no longer useful and the refusal to acknowledge their deaths.Your writing about Elizabeth Hullete is the most humane sincere depiction of her since her passing. Your words have transformed her from a 1 dimensional cartoon character from the '80s, into a real person who died way too soon and apparently lived being dominated by frightened boys hiding in giants bodies. You have done better by her than the WWE, her ex-husband and the rest of the internet community. Thank you. I don't agree w/ some of what you say, but I respect you for saying it. PS Whats the deal w/ wrestlers in their early forties (Terry Gordy, Curt Henning, Elizabeth etc...) Kinda makes me scared for 'Taker, Raven, Nash et al

And the sharks continue to circle... Another prediction by Zenk comes true. (Off of 411mania.com/wrestling)--------------Jim Ross is rumored to be stepping down from his position as head of WWE talent relations by the end of the summer. It is thought that he might be pushed to the side by John Lauranitis (Johnny Ace). Most believe that although Lauranitis has been gathering power and support since coming to WWE, it is more that Jim Ross is choosing to step aside.Ross is expected to continue announcing Raw for the foreseeable future, even with his backstage role reduced.

** Following on from Zenk's piece on SARS and WWe's international expansion - "There was an article published on WWE.com talking about the SARS outbreak in Toronto, that featured comments from Canadian performers including Test and Christian who said they were considering wearing a mask while in Toronto. However, it appears as if the official website has pulled the article with no explanation. " Gee, wonder why?

Hello again Z-Man. Long time reader, second time writer here. You've sampled my gold before and you know that it's straight from the river.

A lot of your letters are about how to improve wrestling and I have to point out that all of them have missed the true solution. The WWE should start using what got them there in the first place. Hulk Hogan! Now I know most of you are saying "he's washed up!", "he sucks!", "he's leathery" but you are all wrong. It can be accomplished in five easy steps that I will now outline before you.

Step 1: Give that man a comb-over. I know it may sound outrageous and you may be worried about the laughter disrupting satellite signals but it will definitely be worth it. I mean the hair is already set up, no extensions or toupee required. Maybe you could put him in a plaid blazer with arm patches and some mean horn rims. I know I would watch.

Step 2: Shave his head, call him hardcore Hogan (hey it worked for hardcore holly), and turn his finishing move into not just a leg drop....but a leg drop from the top rope through a table!!! The beginning of the match could be standard kicking and punching affair and then maybe just a little "hardcoring up" all the way to the big finisher. Most people would think that he is too old for a hardcore match, but may I point out that goalie pads and catcher mitts are both made of leather. He can take it!!! Have him smoking a cigarette for an entrance to the tune of "I am a real American" remixed by Creed (they're hardcore too!). Beauty.

Step 3: RETIRE!!!!! (for good this time).

Step 4: Transcend the business (again) by becoming an international spokesman for hair club for men. Resurrect that bad-ass toupee from 3 Ninjas 3 (to this day I don't know why Hogan doesn't have an Oscar). The commercial could end with "Watcha gonna do, when baldness runs wild over you?! Get hair club for men and live like the Hulk BROTHA!!". I would just like to say that at the completion of my system for the Hulk I expect some sort of financial kickback.

Step 5: Get that lucrative cameo in Rocky VI. Rocky could revisit his past with a much anticipated rematch between Rocky Balboa and Thunderwrinkles. But this time Thunderwrinkles is hardcore! He'll hit Rocky with his tanning bed and go for the big victory, before Rocky comes back and beats him into a bald, leathery pulp. It will easily be the highlight to what would otherwise be a craptacular movie.

Well that should do it for the Hulk. He's saved wrestling, cured baldness and preserved his skin for generations to come. We should truly`remember this man when he eventually dies from some sort of steroid related illness or another. We should have his hide bronzed and tanned (oh wait, no need) for the future little Hulksters out there. Again let me point out that I would appreciate some form of financial kickback on the completion of my plan.

Wow BillyBob, that's a great idea. HBO should make a movie about the Zman, starring Tony Danza as Tom Zenk. With an all star cast of Jerry Lewis as Vince McMahon, Oscar Winner Kathy Bates as Linda McMahon, Steve Buscemi as Shane McMahon, and James Gandolfini as Stephanie McMahon. Hunter Hurst McMahon will play no other than Ric Flair, Lex Luger will have the breakout roll as Huckster Hulk Hogan, Mohammed Saeed "Bagdad Bob" al-Sahhaf as Good Ol' Jr Hoss, and Tom Zenk in the roll of Kurt Henning.

JUSTIN HAWK BRADSHAW I'M RIGHT ABOUT STEAMED NOW 'CAUSE SOME INTERNET GEEK NAME OF ZINC MADE FUN 'O ME. I'S ALL UPSET 'CAUSE HE MADE ME LOOK LIKE THE SAILOR FROM THE VILLAGE PEEPLE. HE DON'T KNOW SHIT SINCE I'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE INDIAN. FORGOT TO MENSHUN IN MY ARTIKILL ON THE NET THAT I SHOULD THANKIN HHH FOR GITTIN ME A SPEL CHEKKER FOR KRISMUS. HIM'S A GOOD GUY FOR DUIN SO FER ME. AN ALL I ADD TO DO FER HIM WAS POOR A BAG OF SUGAR INTO GOLDBERG'S GAS TANK. THAT WAS FUNNY STUF WHEN THAT CAR WUDNT START...HEH HEH HEH... VINCE IS RIGHT MAD AT ME FER BASHIN THEM FROGS IN MY ARTIKILL, SINCE NOW HE CAN'T DO A YOU-ROPE-PEEIN TOUR. I TOLD HIM US TEXANS DO THAT ALL THE TIME. WE ROPE SOME ANIMUL DUMMER THAN ME AND THEN GO FER A PISS. HE DINT LOOK AMUZED. BUT THEM GUYS IN FRANTZ ARE WIMPS FER NOT FIGHTIN AGAINST THEM MEXI..NOPE, UM, RUSSI..., UM,NO, NOT THEM...YOU KNOW WHO...THOSE GUYS. I'S TRYIN TO FIGGER OUT WHO MR. UMMERIKA IS...I THINK IT MITE BE JAKE ROBERTS, SINCE HE HAS A MOUSE DASH AND A BEERD. MAYBE IT BE FAROOQ, SINCE I AIN'T SEEN MY OLD BUDDY FER A LONG TIME.GOTS TO GO...PATTERSON SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ME FINDIN SOAP IN THE SHOWER... YEW ALL MAKE SURE YOU BUY THAT ENRON STOCK NOW, YA HERE?!

I haven't watched more than a handful of episodes of Smackdown since it started years ago. And ever since the brand extension, which took Stephanie McMahon off Raw, I haven't seen her.

Given that context, she HAS gained weight. Chunky, and not just in the butt, but in the gut now too. Tom Zenk is right, she's Big Steph.

You know, I might have bothered to watch some more of Smackdown than I have over these last number of months, but it was a great deal. Her on air character was limited to just one show. I could choose not to watch her. And for a while, HHH was also just on Smackdown. Glory be!

Seeing her tonight, though, it just reinforced how much I utterly dislike the bitch. She's done a lot to ruin the Attitude era of WWF with her (and her father's) brain dead booking of storylines. And it just kills me to see this pig on air. She's got the McMahon disease and will be on TV for the rest of her wretched days.

I MARK FOR ALL THE ZENK HATERS YOU HATE ON ZENK BUT ARE THE FIRST ONES TO GO TO HIS WEBSITE EVERY FRIDAY MORNING TO READ HIS COLUMN.

I have nothing but the utmost praise and admiration for Mr. Tom Zenk. Those funny pictures on his site are amazing. I usually use them for desktops. The panda as bin laden is my wallpaper right now.

This and all past Zenk columns can be found at http://www.TomZenk.com