HACK-MAN

 

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EPISODE GUIDE

Version 931102

Last updated 21 April 2015

Credits

This guide is put together by Otto "Hack-Man" Heuer from the episodes and from reviews from various people.
Unless otherwise credited, episode summaries are by Otto Heuer or uncredited (name accidentally deleted).
Other reviewers include:

  • NP = Neil Postlethwaite

    Copyright

    Copyright © 1990-1998 Otto E. Heuer .
    All rights reserved.
    You may re-distribute it as long as you keep this message on it.
    This guide may not be sold.

    Availability

    This guide is available via anonymous FTP from the following sites:

  • toaster.ee.ubc.ca (137.82.56.10) in /pub/red-dwarf/
  • ftp.coe.montana.edu (192.31.215.240) in /pub/TV/Guides/RedDwarf/
    It is also available via WWW (in both text and html format) at
  • https://www.Hack-Man.com/Television

    Notes

  • I need to add season 6.
  • I need to flesh out a few of the episode summaries.
  • I need to work on the formatting from episode 2 through the end.
  • I need to bring in the bitmap for the top.

    Disclaimer

    The characters are fictional.
    Any resemblance to real people, living or holographic, is purely coincidental.

    Debut

    A British series following the strange adventures of Dave Lister, the lone survivor of a disaster in outer space that wipes out his ship's crew.

    Opening

    This is an S.O.S. distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

    The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.

    The only survivours are: Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.

    Revived three-million years later, Lister's only companions are: a life form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.

    -- Holly

    End credit song lyrics

    It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,
    I'm all alone, more or less.
    Let me fly far away from here,
    Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.

    I want to live shipwrecked and comatose,
    Drinking fresh mango juice.
    Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,
    Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun,
    Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.

    'Tongue-Tied' song lyrics

    (preformed at the start of "Parallel Universe")

  • Choreography: Charles Augins (Queeg)

    When I saw you for the first time (first time)
    My knees began to quiver (quiver)
    And I got a funny feeling (feeling)
    in my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)

    My hands they started shakin (shakin)
    My heart began a-thumpin (boom boom boom)
    My breakfast left my body (huey huey huey)
    It oughta tell me something? (?)

    Girl you make me tongue-tied (tongue-tied), tongue-tied
    Whenever you are near me (near me)
    Tied tongue (tied tongue), tied tongue (tied tongue)
    whenever you're in town (boom boom boom)

    I saw you cross the dance floor (dancing)
    [I thought of birds and bees|I began to overheat] (reproductive system baby)
    [I barely|But when I] tried to speak to you (talk talk)
    My tongue unraveled to my knees (flippity-flippity-flop)

    I tried to say I love you (love you)
    But it came out kind of wrong girl (wrong girl)
    It sounded like mi-noo-muh-dee-do (tongue-tied)
    mil-uh-nuh-muh-nee-nung nirl

    Because you make me tongue-tied (tongue-tied), tongue-tied
    whenever you are near me (near me)
    Be-dog-be-durble (dog-be-durble)
    tongue-tied (tongue-tied)
    whenever you're around (ba-boom boom boom)

    Oh I'm begging on my knees
    Sweet sweet [darling|baby] listen please
    Understand me when I say [ <== watch Lister's hands on this one ]
    ge-durble-diggle-doggle-miggle-fah-len-all-the-way

    I'm trying to say I'm nongy-nengy (nangy-nong) ningy-nongy
    [Why can't I tell you clearly (clearly)|Trying to get you near me (near me)]
    Be-dobby-durgle (dobby-durgle), durlge-dobby (durgle-dobby)
    Whenever you're around (around)
    whenever you're around

    The End

  • SEASON: 1
  • EPISODE: 1
  • AIR DATE: 15 February 1987
  • SYNOPSIS: The Red Dwarf is mining around the moons of Saturn. Five miles long and three miles wide, the ship has a crew of 169. Within 24 hours, 168 of them will be dead.

  • CREDITS:
    Arnold J. Rimmer: Chris Barrie
    Dave Lister: Craig Charles
    Cat: Danny John-Jules
    Holly: Norman Lovett

    Written by: Bob Grant & Doug Naylor
    Music: Howard Goodall
    Developed for Television by: Paul Jackson Productions
    Graphic Designer: Mark Allen
    Visual Effects Designer: Peter Wragg
    Prop Buyer: Mike Fallon
    Assistant Floor Manager: Dona Distefano
    Production Assistant: Alison Thornber
    Unit Manager: Mario Dubois
    Production Manager: George R. Clarke
    Costume Designer: Jacki Pinks
    Make-up Designer: Suzanne Jansen
    Vision Mixer: Jill Dornan
    Camera Supervisor: Mike Jackson
    Technical Co-ordinator: Ron Clare
    Videotape Editor: Ed Wooden
    Lighting Director; John Pomphrey
    Sound Supervisor: Tony Worthington
    Designer: Paul Montague
    Executive Producer: Paul Jackson
    Producer & Director: Ed Bye

  • GUEST CAST:

    Tod Hunter: Robert Brathurst
    Chen: Paul Bradley
    Selby: David Gillespie
    Capt. Hollister: Mac McDonald
    McIntrye: Robert McCulley
    Peterson: Mark Williams
    Kochanski: C.P. Grogan
  • SEASON: 1
  • EPISODE: 2
  • TITLE: Future Echos
  • AIR DATE: 22 February 1987
  • SYNOPSIS: Having accelerated constantly for three million years, Red Dwarf breaks the light barrier. Rimmer and Lister witness images from the future and Rimmer sees Lister die.
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Alison Thornber Unit Manager Mario Dubois Production Manager George R. Clarke Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Suzanne Jansen Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Mike Jackson Technical Co-ordinator Ron Clare Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Toaster John Lenahan Dispensing Machine Tony Hanks
  • SEASON: 1
  • EPISODE: 3
  • TITLE: Balance Of Power
  • AIR DATE: 29 February 1987
  • SYNOPSIS: Lister wants to go on a date with dead console officer, Christine Kochanski, but that would mean turning Rimmer off, and Rimmer wakes up with someone else's arm.
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Alison Thornber Unit Manager Mario Dubois Production Manager George R. Clarke Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Suzanne Jansen Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Mike Jackson Technical Co-ordinator Ron Clare Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Trout a la Crema & Chef Rupert Bates Paul Bradley David Gillespie Mark Williams C.P. Grogan
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Disco Music Motor City Diva Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross
  • SEASON: 1
  • EPISODE: 4
  • TITLE: Waiting For God
  • AIR DATE: 7 March 1987
  • SYNOPSIS: Lister discovers some startling facts about the history of Catkind when he learns to read Cat writing. The entire belief system of the cats has been based on Lister's dream of eventually retiring to Fiji, where he'd live in a hut and open a hot dog stand.
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Alison Thornber Unit Manager Mario Dubois Production Manager George R. Clarke Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Suzanne Jansen Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Mike Jackson Technical Co-ordinator Ron Clare Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Cat Priest Noel Coleman Toaster John Lenahan
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Prop Buyer Duncan Wheeler Camera Supervisor Mill Jackson
  • SEASON: 1
  • EPISODE: 5
  • TITLE: Confidence and Paranoia
  • AIR DATE: 14 March 1987
  • SYNOPSIS: Lister contracts a mutated form of pneumonia, and has hallucinations which become real. Two of his mental characteristics form into actual beings. His confidence (who looks like the stereotypical U.S. sports announcer) wants him to take charge, but his paranoia (who looks like the stereotypical computer nerd) is wary.
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Alison Thornber Unit Manager Mario Dubois Production Manager George R. Clarke Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Suzanne Jansen Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Mike Jackson Technical Co-ordinator Ron Clare Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Paranoia Lee Cornes Confidence Craig Ferguson
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Technical Co-ordinator John Spicer
  • SEASON: 1
  • EPISODE: 6
  • TITLE: Me^2
  • AIR DATE: 22 March 1987
  • SYNOPSIS: Now that Rimmer has discovered how to duplicate himself, he decides to leave the quarters he shares with Lister and move in with himself.
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Alison Thornber Unit Manager Mario Dubois Production Manager George R. Clarke Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Suzanne Jansen Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Mike Jackson Technical Co-ordinator Ron Clare Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Captain Mac McDonald
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Costume Assistant Lesley Staves Sound Alan Machin & Wendy Rath
  • SEASON: 2
  • EPISODE: 7
  • TITLE: Kryten
  • AIR DATE: 6 September 1988
  • SYNOPSIS: The Red Dwarf picks up a distress call from another space ship which says three female officers have been injured. To their dismay, the crew discovers that the women have been dead for centuries. Kryten, the android servant on the drifting ship, doesn't realize that the crew has died. He ends up joining the crew of the Red Dwarf and gets some lessons is slacking off from Lister. Rimmer studies a new language, Holly fiddles with music.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Production Team Helen Campbell Kate Preston Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Ann Zahl Unit Manager Kelvin Jones Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross Vision Supervisor Len Greenhalgh Technical Co-ordinator Andrew Cowley Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Krtyen David Ross The Esperanto Woman Johanna Hargreaves Android Actor Tony Slattery
  • SEASON: 2
  • EPISODE: 8
  • TITLE: Better Than Life
  • AIR DATE: 13 September 1988
  • SYNOPSIS: Rimmer receives a letter from his mother, but cannot read her handwriting. Is his father "dad" or "dead"? Did he pass away peacefully in his "sleep" or in a "jeep"? The crew end up living out their dreams with the aid of a game "Better than Life" that arrives with the mail.
  • PLOT SUMMARY: I'll fill in this section later, but I just HAD to put this bit of dialog in here somewhere: Cat: `I'm hungry, I just have to eat' Lister: `Shh, Rimmers dad's just died' Cat: `I'd prefer chicken'
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Production Team Helen Campbell Kate Preston Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Ann Zahl Unit Manager Kelvin Jones Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross Vision Supervisor Len Greenhalgh Technical Co-ordinator Andrew Cowley Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Rimmer's Dad John Abinert Marilyn Monroe Debbie Ash Rathbone Jeremy Austin The Captain Nigel Carrivick The Captain Tony HawkinsMcGruder Newsreader Tina Jenkins The Outland Revenue Taxman Ron Pember Gordon Gordon Salking
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: OB Lighting David Parker & Gordon White OB Cameraman Rocket
  • SEASON: 2
  • EPISODE: 9
  • TITLE: Thanks for the Memory
  • AIR DATE: 20 September 1988
  • SYNOPSIS: The crew on board the Red Dwarf wakes up one morning to discover that someone has erased their memories of the last four days. Lister finds that his leg is broken and is in a cast, and his jigsaw puzzle has been completed. Rimmer blames the problem on aliens. The crew celebrates Rimmer's deathday on a dead world. Rimmer gets drunk.
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Production Team Helen Campbell Kate Preston Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Ann Zahl Unit Manager Kelvin Jones Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross Vision Supervisor Len Greenhalgh Technical Co-ordinator Andrew Cowley Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Lisa Yates Sabra Williams
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Vision Supervisor John Battye
  • SEASON: 2
  • EPISODE: 10
  • TITLE: Stasis Leak
  • AIR DATE: 27 September 1988
  • SYNOPSIS: A leak from the suspended animation chamber has created a doorway to the past. Lister finds a picture of his wedding, but he's still single - or is he?
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Production Team Helen Campbell Kate Preston Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Ann Zahl Unit Manager Kelvin Jones Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross Vision Supervisor Len Greenhalgh Technical Co-ordinator Andrew Cowley Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Lift Hostess Morwenna Banks Kochanski's Room Mate Sophie Doherty Kochanski C.P. Grogan The Medical Orderly Richard Hainsworth The Suitcase Tony Hawks Captain Hollister Mac McDonald Peterson Mark Williams
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Vision Controller John Battye Production Secretary Kate Preston
  • SEASON: 2
  • EPISODE: 11
  • TITLE: Queeg
  • AIR DATE: 4 October 1988
  • SYNOPSIS: There's electronic mutiny on board the Red Dwarf as Queeg 500, the back-up computer, tries to take the control of the ship away from Holly. Lister and Rimmer start to wonder if they should have complained about holly as much as they did.
  • PLOT SUMMAY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Production Team Helen Campbell Kate Preston Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Ann Zahl Unit Manager Kelvin Jones Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross Vision Supervisor Len Greenhalgh Technical Co-ordinator Andrew Cowley Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Queeg Charles Augins
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Vision Supervisor John Battye Trish King Lighting Director
  • SEASON: 2
  • EPISODE: 12
  • TITLE: Parallel Universe
  • AIR DATE: 11 October 1988
  • SYNOPSIS: Opening sequence features a Dream Music Video, "Tongue Tied" (see page 3). The crew is sitting around discussing dreams and good pick-up lines, when Holly tells them about the Holly Hop Drive, an astonishing device which can transfer an object anywhere.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold J. Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Norman Lovett Written by Bob Grant Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Developed for Television by Paul Jackson Productions Graphic Designer Mark Allen Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Prop Buyer Mike Fallon Production Team Helen Campbell Kate Preston Assistant Floor Manager Dona Distefano Production Assistant Ann Zahl Unit Manager Kelvin Jones Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Jacki Pinks Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Vision Mixer Jill Dornan Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross Vision Supervisor Len Greenhalgh Technical Co-ordinator Andrew Cowley Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Lighting Director John Pomphrey Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Designer Paul Montague Executive Producer Paul Jackson Producer & Director Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Ms. Rimmer Suzanne Bertish Ms. Lister Angela Bruce The Dog Matthew Devitt Ship's computer Hilly Hattie Hayridge
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Choreography Charles Augins
  • SEASON: 3
  • EPISODE: 13
  • TITLE: Backwards
  • AIR DATE: 14 November 1989 (9pm)
  • SYNOPSIS: Lister and Rimmer finally arrive back on Earth through a time hole--only to discover time is running backwards and so are the inhabitants. Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being alive, discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his female self in a parallel universe. His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Baxley. However, because the boys were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from highly accelerated growth rates and are both eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their father (a woman), and are able to lead comparatively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years old three days after your birth. Shortly afterwards, Kryten, the service mechanoid, who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel, the Nova 5, is found in pieces after his space bike crashed into an astroid. Lister rebuilds the 'roid, but is unable to recapture his former personality. Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic Red Dwarf computer, performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in love. ...and now the saga continuums Red Dwarf III: The Same Generation...nearly -- Opening crawl from "Backwards"
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Holly Hattie Hayridge Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Unit Manager Janet Smith Graphic Designer Mark Allen Camera Supervisor Dave Fox Vision Mixer Sonia Lovett Technical Coordinator Tony Smith Prop Buyer Stella McIntyre Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano Producer's Assistant Christina Hamilton Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Howard Burden Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Assistant Producer Gilly Archer Executive Producer Paul Jackson Production Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor Directed by Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Waitress Maria Friedman Compere Tony Hawks Customer in Cafe Anna Palmer Pub Manager Arthur Smith
  • SEASON: 3
  • EPISODE: 14
  • TITLE: Marooned
  • AIR DATE: 21 November 1989
  • SYNOPSIS: Hilly spots 5 black holes and in the resulting evacuation, Lister and Rimmer get marooned on a frozen planetoid. As Red Dwarf heads on a collision course towards a minefield of Black Holes, the crew are forced to abandon ship. Lister and Rimmer find themselves marooned on an artic moon, with only a pot noodle and a tin of dogfood between them. And there's no way Lister is eating the pot noodle.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Holly Hattie Hayridge Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Unit Manager Janet Smith Graphic Designer Mark Allen Camera Supervisor Dave Fox Vision Mixer Sonia Lovett Technical Coordinator Tony Smith Prop Buyer Stella McIntyre Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano Producer's Assistant Christina Hamilton Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Howard Burden Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Assistant Producer Gilly Archer Executive Producer Paul Jackson Production Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor Directed by Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • SEASON: 3
  • EPISODE: 15
  • TITLE: Polymorph
  • AIR DATE: 28 November 1989
  • SYNOPSIS: A genetic mutant highly dangerous shape-changer which feeds on emotions, salivates unspeakable slobber, and has more teeth than the entire Osmond family, gets loose aboard Red Dwarf, and the nightmare begins. The crew are subjected to 24 hours of non-stop horror, in a gruesome, petrifying comedy blood-feast.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Holly Hattie Hayridge Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Unit Manager Janet Smith Graphic Designer Mark Allen Camera Supervisor Dave Fox Vision Mixer Sonia Lovett Technical Coordinator Tony Smith Prop Buyer Stella McIntyre Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano Producer's Assistant Christina Hamilton Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Howard Burden Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Assistant Producer Gilly Archer Executive Producer Paul Jackson Production Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor Directed by Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Genny Frances Barber Young Rimmer Simon Gaffrey Rimmer's mother Kalli Greenwood
  • SEASON: 3
  • EPISODE: 16
  • TITLE: Bodyswap
  • AIR DATE: 5 December 1989
  • SYNOPSIS: The imminent destruction of Red Dwarf results in the discovery of a process that allows mind/body swaps, with disasterous results. Rimmer proposes a novel way for Lister to lose weight and get in shape. The two of them swap bodies, but once Rimmer's mind is in Lister's body, will he give it back?
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Holly Hattie Hayridge Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Unit Manager Janet Smith Graphic Designer Mark Allen Camera Supervisor Dave Fox Vision Mixer Sonia Lovett Technical Coordinator Tony Smith Prop Buyer Stella McIntyre Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano Producer's Assistant Christina Hamilton Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Howard Burden Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Assistant Producer Gilly Archer Executive Producer Paul Jackson Production Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor Directed by Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Carol Brown Lia Williams
  • SEASON: 3
  • EPISODE: 17
  • TITLE: Timeslides
  • AIR DATE: 12 December 1989
  • SYNOPSIS: Kryten discovers some developing fluid which prints photographs the crew can walk into. Lister uses one to change history, and winds up back on Earth, wealthy and famous, with a string of beautiful companions. Rimmer sets out to rescue him.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Holly Hattie Hayridge Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Unit Manager Janet Smith Graphic Designer Mark Allen Camera Supervisor Dave Fox Vision Mixer Sonia Lovett Technical Coordinator Tony Smith Prop Buyer Stella McIntyre Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano Producer's Assistant Christina Hamilton Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Howard Burden Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Assistant Producer Gilly Archer Executive Producer Paul Jackson Production Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor Directed by Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Himself Adolf Hitler American Presenter Ruby Wax Gilbert Robert Addie Bodyguards Rupert Bates & Richard Hainsworth Young Lister Emile Charles Young Rimmer Simon Gaffrey Thicky Holden Simon McKintosh Ski Woman Louisa Ruthren Lady Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones Koo Stark Ski Man Mark Steel
  • SEASON: 3
  • EPISODE: 18
  • TITLE: The Last Day
  • AIR DATE: 19 December 1989
  • SYNOPSIS: All mechanoids are supplied with an built-in expiration date, and Kryten discovers he has less than 24 hours to live, which leads to an interesting discussion of religion, the rest of the crew throwing a huge party to give him the best night of his life, and a violent encounter with his replacement.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Holly Hattie Hayridge Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Music Howard Goodall Unit Manager Janet Smith Graphic Designer Mark Allen Camera Supervisor Dave Fox Vision Mixer Sonia Lovett Technical Coordinator Tony Smith Prop Buyer Stella McIntyre Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Videotape Editor Ed Wooden Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano Producer's Assistant Christina Hamilton Production Manager Mike Agnew Costume Designer Howard Burden Make-up Designer Bethan Jones Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Assistant Producer Gilly Archer Executive Producer Paul Jackson Production Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor Directed by Ed Bye A Paul Jackson Production for BBC North West
  • GUEST CAST: Jim Reaper Robert Llewellyn Girl Android Julie Higginson Hudzen Gordon Kennedy
  • SEASON: 4
  • EPISODE: 19
  • TITLE: Camille
  • AIR DATE: 14 February 1991 (9:00 pm, BBC 2)
  • SYNOPSIS: Kryten, Red Dwarf's on-board mechanoid, rescues a female droid from a crashed vessel. She, like him, is a 4,000 series, but Camille is the GTi model, with realistic toes and a slide-back sun-roof head. Kryten finds himself falling in advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial ident, or what humans call "love at first sight", but the course of true advanced mutual compatibility never runs in a non-glitch bug-free way.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Holly Hattie Hayridge Music Woodhead Casting Judy Davis Production Accountant Joanna Birkenshaw Graphic Designer Paul D'Auria Production team Celia Bargh Malread Carfah Camera Supervisor Rocket Vision Mixer Simon Sanders Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer Prop Buyer Don Cave Properties Peter Blackall VT Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Designer Howard Burden Make Up Designer Andria Pennell Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Production Manager Julian Scott Asscociate Producer Candida Julian-Jones Produced By Rob Grant Doug Naylor Produced and Directed Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Mechanoid Camille Judy Pascoe Hologram Camille Francesca Folen Kochanski Hologram Suzanne Rhatigan Hector Blob Rupert Bates
  • SEASON: 4
  • EPISODE: 20
  • TITLE: DNA
  • AIR DATE: 21 February 1991
  • SYNOPSIS: The crew locks onto an unidentified craft which contains a machine that can transform living things by rewriting their DNA. A blessing or a curse? The Dwarfers are unsure, until Lister's curry assumes near-human form.
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Holly Hattie Hayridge Music Woodhead Casting Judy Davis Production Accountant Joanna Birkenshaw Graphic Designer Paul D'Auria Production team Celia Bargh Malread Carfah Camera Supervisor Rocket Vision Mixer Simon Sanders Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer Prop Buyer Don Cave Properties Peter Blackall VT Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Designer Howard Burden Make Up Designer Andria Pennell Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Production Manager Julian Scott Asscociate Producer Candida Julian-Jones Produced By Rob Grant Doug Naylor Produced and Directed Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: D.N.A Computer Voice Richard Ridings
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Makeup Designer Keith Mayes & Jem Whippy
  • SEASON: 4
  • EPISODE: 21
  • TITLE: Justice
  • AIR DATE: 28 February 1991
  • SYNOPSIS: Innate natural justice does not exist, except in Justice World, where the consequences of a crime are inflicted on its perpetrator. The innocent have nothing to fear, but Rimmer is in trouble, imprisoned for the death of the Red Dwarf crew.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Holly Hattie Hayridge Music Woodhead Casting Judy Davis Production Accountant Joanna Birkenshaw Graphic Designer Paul D'Auria Production team Celia Bargh Malread Carfah Camera Supervisor Rocket Vision Mixer Simon Sanders Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer Prop Buyer Don Cave Properties Peter Blackall VT Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Designer Howard Burden Make Up Designer Andria Pennell Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Production Manager Julian Scott Asscociate Producer Candida Julian-Jones Produced By Rob Grant Doug Naylor Produced and Directed Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Simulant Nicholas Ball Justice Computer Voice James Smille
  • SEASON: 4
  • EPISODE: 22
  • TITLE: White Hole
  • AIR DATE: 7 March 1991
  • SYNOPSIS: Holly's IQ is doubled but her lifespan is drastically reduced, leaving the crew drifting helplessly towards a white hole. Will Rimmer sacrifice his hologrammatic life to save the rest of the crew? No.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Holly Hattie Hayridge Music Woodhead Casting Judy Davis Production Accountant Joanna Birkenshaw Graphic Designer Paul D'Auria Production team Celia Bargh Malread Carfah Camera Supervisor Rocket Vision Mixer Simon Sanders Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer Prop Buyer Don Cave Properties Peter Blackall VT Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Designer Howard Burden Make Up Designer Andria Pennell Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Production Manager Julian Scott Asscociate Producer Candida Julian-Jones Produced By Rob Grant Doug Naylor Produced and Directed Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Talkie Toaster David Ross
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Assistant Makeup Designers Fiona Kemp & Jo Netleman
  • SEASON: 4
  • EPISODE: 23
  • TITLE: Dimension Jump
  • AIR DATE: 14 March 1991
  • SYNOPSIS: In a universe almost identical to our own, another Arnold Rimmer exists, but this one is nothing like the old Rimmer, fortunately. Of course, the old Rimmer is terribly jealous.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Holly Hattie Hayridge Music Woodhead Casting Judy Davis Production Accountant Joanna Birkenshaw Graphic Designer Paul D'Auria Production team Celia Bargh Malread Carfah Camera Supervisor Rocket Vision Mixer Simon Sanders Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer Prop Buyer Don Cave Properties Peter Blackall VT Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Designer Howard Burden Make Up Designer Andria Pennell Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Production Manager Julian Scott Asscociate Producer Candida Julian-Jones Produced By Rob Grant Doug Naylor Produced and Directed Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Bongo Robert Llewllyn Young Rimmer Simon Gaffney Mrs Rimmer Kalli Greenwood Cockpit Computer Hetty Baynes
  • SEASON: 4
  • EPISODE: 24
  • TITLE: Melt Down
  • AIR DATE: 21 March 1991
  • SYNOPSIS: Kryten finds a matter transporter which whisks the crew to Waxworld, a giant theme park where the waxdroids are running amok. Rimmer has a chance to lead an army against the greatest generals of all time.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Cat Danny John-Jules Kryten Robert Llewellyn Holly Hattie Hayridge Music Woodhead Casting Judy Davis Production Accountant Joanna Birkenshaw Graphic Designer Paul D'Auria Production team Celia Bargh Malread Carfah Camera Supervisor Rocket Vision Mixer Simon Sanders Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer Prop Buyer Don Cave Properties Peter Blackall VT Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Designer Howard Burden Make Up Designer Andria Pennell Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Designer Mel Bibby Production Manager Julian Scott Asscociate Producer Candida Julian-Jones Produced By Rob Grant Doug Naylor Produced and Directed Ed Bye
  • GUEST CAST: Elvis Clayton Mark Hitler Kenneth Hadley Einstein Martin Friend Pythagoras Stephen Tiller Abraham Lincoln Jack Klaff Caligula Tony Hawkes Pope Gregory Micheal Barrel Stan Laurel Forbes Masson Noel Coward Roger Blake Marilyn Monroe Pauline Bailey
  • SEASON: 5
  • EPISODE: 25
  • TITLE: Holoship
  • AIR DATE: 20 February 1992 (9:00 pm, BBC 2)
  • SYNOPSIS: While flying about in Starbug, Rimmer, Lister, Kryten, and Cat come across a mysterious unscannable light entity which transfers Rimmer to the holoship Enlightenment, with a crew made up entirely of holograms.
  • PLOT SUMMARY: Rimmer, Lister, Kryten Cat and Holly are in Starbug flying about. They are discussion various things when they come across a mysterious unscannable light entity. It transfers Rimmer to a Holoship. The Holoship is crewed entirely by holograms, though not Series I holograms like Rimmer. They are all extremely intelligent, the cream of the 'deadies'. Rimmer tries to join the crew of the Holoship. He must intellectually combat one of the crew to 'win' a place. Meanwhile Starbug is being analysed for any salvage value. One of the main pastimes on the Holoship is sex. Constant twice a day sex. People are considered rude if they refuse anybodies request for sex (Rimmer is pleased!). Rimmer 'beds' Nirvanah Crane. He is compared, in bed, to a Jananese meal. Small portions, but MANY courses. If Rimmer beats his opponent, he will gain officer status and take the place of his opponent. Rimmer decides to cheat, by having a mind patch, with 2 of the most intelligent people in Red Dwarf's hologram store and he becomes very intelligent, but a total pain in the arse!. Rimmer starts the contest and is doing very well in the initial stages, far outstripping his opponent. Suddenly disaster strikes and Rimmer runs for it and ends up back on Red Dwarf. His mind, which was in control of the two patches, has rejected the added intelligence. He is startled to discover Lister/Cat/Kryten are interviewing Red Dwarf crew from the ship hologram store, for a replacement. The main qualification appears to be a deep interest in curries, even a curry pizza. The first applicant, she isn't interested and would rather be dead. Rimmer is pursuaded to return and continue the contest as himself, by Nirvanah Crane who assures him, that he will win. The contest continues and Rimmer does indeed win. He gains officer status and replaces his opponent on the Holoship. He bids the Red Dwarf crew a sad farewell. They are more than people who have become his friends, they are 'people he just MET'. However, on the Holoship, Rimmer discovers that his opponent was Nirvanah, whom he has fallen in love with, as she has with him. She withdrew from the competition so that he would win. The fate if he lost was to have his runtime withdrawn. She has decided to give up her life for him. Rimmer can't take this and decides to resign his commission so that Nirvanah can live, he will return to Red Dwarf. At the start, Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten are watching a film.(It could be Casablanca though I'm not sure here. I didn't recognise the dialogue we got Listers 2 fave films are 1/ It's a Wonderful Life and 2/ Casablanca. It was a slushy parting, one character gave up their life (?) to save the other who they would never see again. Rimmer says the film was a load of bollocks and he would never do that). The exact quote from the end of the film was the last scene where Rimmer resigned to save Nirvanah on the Holoship. 'He couldn't believe he said that'.
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Kryten Robert Llewellyn Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Hattie Hayridge Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne Music Howard Goodall Casting Jane Davies Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw Unit Manager Irene Gibbons Video Effects Bruce Steele, Jez Gibson Production Team Nichol Hoye, Mairead Curtin Camera Supervisor Mike Spencer Gaffer Ron Green Consol Operator Dai Thomas Property Master Paul Purdy Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre Technical Manager Jeff Jefferty Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Design Howard Burden, Gill Shaw Make Up Design Andrea Pennell Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Production Design Mel Bibby, Stephen Bradshaw Associate Producer Julian Scott Director Juliet May Produce Hilary Bevan Jones Executive Production Rob Grant/Doug Naylor A Grant Naylor Production for BBC TV
  • GUEST CAST: Nirvanah Crane Jane Horrocks Captain Platini Matthew Marsh Commander Binks Don Warrington Harrison Lucy Briers Number Two Simon Day Number One Jane Montgomery
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Directed by Juliet May
  • SEASON: 5
  • EPISODE: 26
  • TITLE: The Inquisitor
  • AIR DATE: 27 February 1992
  • SYNOPSIS: The Inqusitor roams through time weeding out life's wastrels and deleting the worthless - the Red Dwarf crew is in big, big trouble. Kryten tells the tale, oft repeated in space bars of 'The Inquisitor'. He is a droid, a self repairing Simulant who exists to the end of time where he discovers there is no God and no afterlife. He decides that his purpose is to lead a worthwhile life. He constructs a time machine and roams throught eternity visiting every soul in history and assesses them. Those he considers have wasted their life are erased and replaced by non-existing people. The unfertilised eggs, the sperm that never made it. Rimmer tries to blame his family for the fact that he is a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted green discharge of a man. A mad failed ex- military father, a bitch queen of a mother and brothers with all the brains and the looks. He had nothing, and considering where he is now, he has gone up in the world. The Cat justifies himself by tha fact that he has given pleasure to the whole world and because he has just such a great ass. The Judge calls him a shallow guy for this justification. The cat says yes, but a shallow guy with a great ass. Kryten seems to be ok because he has spent his entire existence serving others. But Kryten disagrees, as the serving is part of his programming. He is compelled and has no choice in the matter. All he can put forward is the breaking of his programming that Lister has made him do, to an extent. To Lister, the Judge says, well get out of this smeghead. You have brains and you chose not to use them. Lister's reply is 'spin on it'.
  • PLOT SUMMARY: Opening scene set on a space base on a desolate planetiod. Thomas Allman is woken up by a large man-like creature whose face is obscured by an animal skull mask. He is judged by the creature of being unworthy of existing and his voyage in the space time continuum is to be given to someone who never existed. They are to be given his gift of life, may they spend it more wisely than you. The closing gag is to the newly created person replacing Thomas Allman: Sorry for the intrusion, Reality Control. Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten are in one of the Starbugs. Lister is having coffee, double caffeine and quadruple sugar. He is reading Virgil's Eneid, an account of the downfall of the Trojan Empire and the seige of the city of Troy, the comic book version. Zap, ker-pow, die in bed you Trojan pig-dog etc... He thinks it a load of rubbish. The Trojans having being layed seige to for a decade suddenly wake up to find the Greek army gone, and a large wooden horse left outside the city. A wooden horse LARGE enough to hold 500 Greek warriors, full dressed for battle, AND toilet facilities, and they pull it INSIDE the city and go and have an early night. He concludes, beware of Trojans, they are complete smegheads. Suddenly Starbug changes course 180 degrees and heads back towards Red Dwarf. The strange creature from before appears on Starbug. He is 'The Inquisitor', they must present a case justifying their existence, if they fail they will be deleted from existence. Kryten tells the tale, oft repeated in space bars of 'The Inquisitor'. He is a droid, a self repairing Simulant who exists to the end of time where he discovers there is no God and no afterlife. He decides that his purpose is to lead a worthwhile life. He constructs a time machine and roams throught eternity visiting every soul in history and assesses them. Those he considers have wasted their life are erased and replaced by non-existing people. The unfertilised eggs, the sperm that never made it. Rimmer surmises that they are in trouble....... If he had known about this, he would have given to phone in charity Telethon's HIS credit card number. All you have to do is to make a contribution, you don't need to be famous, no matter how small, not to be egocentric and self serving or vain. Oh dear Rimmer !!!! Each of the crew (Holly excepting) is seen individually by The Inquisitor. Rimmer first. You have been granted the greatest gift of all, life (I presume talking past tense here as Rimmer is already dead !). What have you done to deserve this. Rimmer starts to quibble with The Inquisitor about who does he think he is to ask. The Inquisitor raises his mask. Your judge considering your existence and your justification for it is ...........Yourself. Rimmer is in deep Smegola here. Rimmer (Judge) sees Rimmer as a slimy, despicable, rat- hearted green discharge of a man. Rimmer tries to blame it all on his family. A mad failed ex-military father, a bitch queen of a mother and brothers with all the brains and the looks. He had nothing, and considering where he is now, he has gone up in the world. Cat next. The Cat justifies himself by tha fact that he has given pleasure to the whole world and because he has just such a great ass. The Cat (Judge) calls him a shallow guy for this justification. The cat says yes, but a shallow guy with a great ass !!! Kryten next. Kryten seems to be ok because he has spent his entire existence serving others. But Kryten disagrees, as the serving is part of his programming. He is compelled and has no choice in the matter. All he can put forward is the breaking of his programming that Lister has made him do, to an extent. Lister finally. Lister (Judge) says, well get out of this smeghead. You have brains and you chose not to use them. Lister's reply is 'spin on it'. All crew appear together for the judgement. Lister is appalled that the Cat and Rimmer disappear and starts to create a scene when Kryten says it is them to be deleted....... The Cat and Rimmer have been acquitted by their own low standards, but Lister and Kryten could have been so much more. They are removed from from time by the inquisitor. Causality has been healed. All that remains is to delete their physical presence. Lister asks Kryten what the secret plan is. No secret plan Mr Lister sir. No Sleeves !! Suddenly Kryten appears behind the Inquisitor and chops off the Inquisitors hand (with the control gauntlet on it) with a chainsaw and gives the gauntlet to Kryten and Lister. Kryten, just appeared, says he is from the future and must explain quickly before he is killed. Lister asks how are you killed. Well I'm jumped from behind while explaining to you, and he is. Killed by having his head squashed against the wall by the Inquisitor. His last words are to get to the shuttlebay .... Lister and Kryten escape, but are blocked by a door which they can't get through as Holly doesn't recognise them. Deleted from time ! Tear gas is sprayed and the `intruders` are rounded up by Cat and Rimmer who also don't know them. They are limbo people, between realities. Lister tries to prove that he know Rimmer, describing one of Rimmer's encounters with Fiona Barrington who he had got off with in a greenhouse. He thought he had gotten lucky, but all the time he had had his hand in warm compost. His middle name is Judas, but always says it is Jonathon. The alternate Lister and Kryten appear, only slightly different. (This explains why the Cat race never ceased to exist, as happened in RD II/5 'Timeslides' when Listers life had a different outcome totally). The inquisitor appears again, hand regenerated, and killes the alternate Kryten immediately by with an explosion. They split up, Cat, Rimmer, alternate Lister. Lister & Kryten. Lister tells Kryten to turn away because he is going to do something totally totally gross. He opens the door by putting the dead alternate Kryten's hand on the sensor panel. Kryten figures out how he opened it and is really disgusted, especially because Lister has hidden it in his jacket pocket. 'If androids could barf I would be on to my fifth bag by now'. Kryten tries to pursuade Lister to let him sacrifice himself to save Lister, but Lister will not let him. He can tell when he is lying. His right foot jiggles and he says he doesn't believe in Silicon heaven. Cat and Rimmer arrive and ask to join up with Lister and Kryten bacause their crewmates, alternate Lister and Kryten were killed hideously. The Cat isn't too happy when they say the plan is to face the Inquisitor on the Shuttle Deck. `Are you serious, should I paint a bullseye on my face !?` The Inquisitor meets up with them again and Rimmer and the Cat are wiped out. Lister fires the previously stolen inquisitor gauntlet at the Inquisitor and their shots clash in the middle. The Inquisitor hits Lister and he is 'youthed' to a boy. He is hit again and becomes an old man. He is about to be killed when Kryten pops his head up behind the Inquisitor and says 'Excuse me, but could I just distract you for a second'. The Inquisitor goes 'uhh', turns about and Lister zaps him with a stasis field. Kryten graps the Inquisitors new gauntlet, returns Lister to his proper age and says he must go back to sacrifice himself so they can get into this mess in the first place (!). 'All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer hasn't is sir'. He swaps gauntlets with Lister and zaps himself back in time. When the Inquisitor recovers he is dangling on a rope over a massive drop. Lister sets fire to the rope with his lighter and just as the rope burns through, he saves the Inquisitor. He says, if you remove me from existence, there will be nobody there to save you in the first place. He chucks the gauntlent back to the Inquisitor, who says, but if I erase you you won't be there to threaten me in the first place. Lister hadn't thought of that. The Inquisitor fires, and is surrounded by a 'field'. It's the old reverse firing time gauntlet trick. The Inquisitor is removed from exisistence. Cat, Kryten and Rimmer all pop back into existence. Kryten had reprogrammed the gauntlet. The final gag is. Kryten says, 'I think now is an appropriate time for you to give me 5 Mr David sir'. Lister responds, 'I can do better than that, I can give you 15'. (I'll leave you figure it out !!).
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Kryten Robert Llewellyn Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Hattie Hayridge Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne Music Howard Goodall Casting Jane Davies Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw Unit Manager Irene Gibbons Video Effects Bruce Steele, Jez Gibson Production Team Nichol Hoye, Mairead Curtin Camera Supervisor Mike Spencer Gaffer Ron Green Consol Operator Dai Thomas Property Master Paul Purdy Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre Technical Manager Jeff Jefferty Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Design Howard Burden, Gill Shaw Make Up Design Andrea Pennell Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Production Design Mel Bibby, Stephen Bradshaw Associate Producer Julian Scott Director Juliet May Produce Hilary Bevan Jones Executive Production Rob Grant/Doug Naylor A Grant Naylor Production for BBC TV
  • GUEST CAST: Inquisitor John Docherty Second Lister Jake Abraham Thomas Allman James Cormick
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Stuntman Colin Skeating Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne
  • SEASON: 5
  • EPISODE: 27
  • TITLE: Terrorform
  • AIR DATE: 5 March 1992
  • SYNOPSIS: Rimmer is taken prisoner inside his own mind. One of the Starbugs has crashed on the shore of a lake on a planetoid. Kryten is trapped underneath several large metal crossbeams. He chops off a hand, which goes to get help from Lister (who thinks it is a tarantula, of which he is deathly afraid). After Rimmer frees the mechanoid, Kryten gueses that they are on a psy- moon, trapped within Rimmer's mind. The only way to get out alive is to make Rimmer feel good about himself.
  • PLOT SUMMARY: Opening scene. One of the Starbugs has crashed on a planteoid on the shore of a lake or sea. The planet is primeval in nature with many yellow gas fires burning in the distance. -------------------------------------- |Model: Kryten (c) Divadroid| |Series: 4000 Int. 2340 | | | |Error Finding Server .............. | |Error Finding Server .............. | |Error Finding Server .............. | |Error Finding Server .............. | |Error Finding Server .............. | |Error Finding Server .............. | |Error Finding Server .............. | | | |No Panacea | -------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |Model: Kryten (c) Divadroid | |Series: 4000 Int. 2340 | 'Remain calm Kryten, this is your | | CPU speaking. There has been an |Damage Assessment | accident, both your legs have been |----------------- | crushed beyond repair. Your | | ambulatory system has been destroyed |Overview 72% | and your life expectancy is |Opticals 35% | estimated at 67 minutes'. |Ambulation 100% | |Scanning .......... | | | |Condition: MAUVE | --------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |Model: Kryten (c) Divadroid | |Series: 4000 Int. 2340 | 'If there is any further news we | | will keep you updated. In the | Options: | meantime here is a little music'. | | | Refer to qualified service personnel| | Limited frontline repair | | Cannibalise and reconfigure | | Check trade in price against a | | series 5000 model | | | | Condition: MAUVE | --------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |Model: Kryten (c) Divadroid | |Series: 4000 Int. 2340 | 'Your auto-repair systems are now | | able to restore visuals.' | | | | | | | OFF-LINE | | | | | | | | | | | --------------------------------------- 'Kryten personal black box recording. Time- unknown, location - unknown, cause of accident- unknown. Should someone find this recording perhaps it will shed some light on what happened here'. 'My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the close proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbugs read engine. Secondly due to the close proximity of the magnetic coils, my short term memory seems to have been erased. This combined with the erasure of my short term memory has left me a little disoriented. 67 minutes, I'd better get out of here'. --------------------------------------- |Model: Kryten (c) Divadroid | |Series: 4000 Int. 2340 | | | | Damage Assessment | | | | Overview 80% | | Opticals 35% | | Ambulation 100% | | | | Remedial Action Required | | | | Condition: Magenta | --------------------------------------- Kryten is trapped underneath several large metal crossbeams. He says 'Of course' to himself and starts to whistle to himself as he chops off his left hand. To this he fits one of his eyeballs, that is hanging loose by a wire. The hand-eye machine comes to life. 'Find and ore sample pod. Initiate the homing procedure. Bring help. Good luck !'. The hand scampers off. The pod is seen arriving at the Red Dwarf and the hand is seen scuttling about. Holly announces to Lister that a pod has arrived and that the contents have broke free. Lister is told not to panic because there is a tiny possibility that the 'intruder' is a Tarantula. Lister does not like Tarantula's in the least. He doesn't even like the sound of the thought of one crawling across his clammy, naked, helpless body. The security cameras pick up something, but the picture is very blurred. The thing appears to be like a spider. Something crawls up Listers trouser leg. He is absolutely petrified. He communicates with the Cat, who has just arrived, on a console by typing at a keyboard. Terminal Talking --------------------------------------------------------- L | Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a | | Taranshula | | | C | | Oh your playing | | that dumb adve- | | nture game again | | aren't you. L | It's in my boxers. It's making a nest. | | | C | | Buy a potion | | from Gandalf (?) | | and ask the | | wizard. It always | | works for me. L | I'm SERIOUS | | | C | It has an eye the size of a meat ball | | | L | Kill it | | | C | How ? | | | L | I can't think straight. I've got a Taranshula with an | | eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy | | dept. Help me | | | C | I'm scared | | | L | YOU'RE scared. How do you think I feel | | | C | You haven't seen it | | | L | The lower half of my body has gone numb | | | C | That's probably for the best | | | L | It's moving. Oh *#%^!!!! | | | --------------------------------------------------------- The hand pops up on to the table at this point and starts typing as well. --------------------------------------------------------- | | H | Hello. | | | | Kryten is in trouble. No time to explain. Follow | | | --------------------------------------------------------- They follow the hand and get into another Starbug and head off to the planetoid. They arrive at the crash site and discover Kryten and say they will get him out of there, though as his legs are trapped under the beams, they will have to cut him in 2. --------------------------------------- |Model: Kryten (c) Divadroid | |Series: 4000 Int. 2340 | | | Kryten: 'Begging your pardon sir !' | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Condition: Taupe | --------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |Model: Kryten (c) Divadroid | |Series: 4000 Int. 2340 | Lister: 'Hold still Kryten, I'm | | trying to draw a line | | here. I don't want it all | | wonky' | | | | Lister lights up a blowtorch. | | Kryten flips on and off again. | | He says Lister is not a surgeon, | | it will invalidate his guarantee | | and he would not trust Lister to | Condition: Heliotrope | open a can of sardines, that was --------------------------------------- already open. Next scene. Lister has fixed Kryten, but has some stuff left over- like you always do when you do some D.I.Y. Kryten asks about Mr Rimmer. What has happened to him. Lister was about to ask Kryten the same. Kryten recounts the story of the accident. Kryten and Rimmer were in starbug when Rimmer found a S3 class planet and wanted to claim it for the Space Corp. The ceremony consisted of all 23 stanza's of the Space Corp. anthem. The planet started to erupt around them, which came as something of a relief to Kryten, and the planetoid tera-formed as they watched. There was an explosion and then blackness. Rimmer screamed in pain, anguish, dread. He was absolutely mortified. The Cat comments, 'Why did someone suggest he pick up the tab for lunch ?'. Holly manages to track Rimmer down from the signal given off by his Light Bead. The other Starbug heads off, on caterpillar tracks (!), in the direction of Rimmer. The Planetoid is weird. Strange animal noises, a constant disgusting stench, squelchy underfoot. Just like Listers laundry basket at the end of the month. Kryten surmises that they are on a Psy-Moon. A Psy-Moon is an artificial planetoid which tunes in to an individuals psyche and adapts its terrain to mimic the persons mental state. It has reconfigured using Rimmers sub-conscious as a template. They are in Rimmer's mind ..... The Cat says this IS definitely a 12 change of underwear trip. Rimmer has been captured by his neuroses (* Pl of neurosis), his personal demons. They have been made real. On this planet Rimmer will have a physical presence, until he leaves, because it is all created by his mind. They are all in danger. Rimmer is a prisoner and is being taken somewhere. He starts to quibble and demands his phone call. He is chained up in a dungeon type place. Why is he here? He is to be sacrificed to slake the vile depraved thirstings of the unspeakable one. 'Well that clear that up'. Rimmer has his sheet like clothing ripped of by 2 scantily clad maidens. They start to oil him up. Lister, Cat and the newly repaired Kryten have reached the point where they must continue for Rimmer on foot as they have come across a swamp. Lister says, 'Remember it's Rimmer's mind out there. Expect sickness !', while hoisting a bazookoid onto his shoulder. Rimmer says all he is obliged to give is his Name, Rank and Number. No amount of oiling, tonguing, full sensual lip caressing his erogenous zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy will make him talk. 'This nuts not for cracking'. Both the maidens start to twiddle with Rimmers nipples and he instantly cracks. If they insist on erotic pursuation to achieve their devious ends, so be it. But have a 'Quatra-Formaggio' (?) Pizza with extra olives at the end. Their master is summond. The oil is to facilitate the conduction of electricity. The swamp that has stopped the rest of the crew is signposted 'The Swamp of Despair'. Frogs are heard in the background saying 'useless' instead of croaking. There is a large blood sucking leech on Listers neck. It is pulled off. Lister looks at it. It has a human face. it is Rimmers mother face. They come across a graveyard. There are several gravestones in the plot, they are marked Self Respect, died aged 21 Generosity " 9 Self Confidence " 22 Honour (Not Forgotten) " 12 Cat finds a minute gravestone. It does not have a date on in, but it is marked charm. They also find a freshly dug grave, though not filled in yet. The stone is marked hope. Psychologically speaking Rimmer is in big trouble. If they don't get to Rimmer before before this grave is filled all of them may not get out of this nightmare. Rimmer, still chained up by the hands to a beam, sees the unspeakable one appear from a steaming pit. We only get to see its legs and a shadow of the beast, but that is hideous enough. It has 2 horses legs and a tail that looks like a lizards. Rimmer says there had been a GIGANTIC administrative cock-up, but to no avail. He is to be branded, with a cattle/horse brand sitting in a fire, with a large H. All Rimmers nightmares will come true here. Lister, Cat and Kryten finally come across Rimmer. They see him from above through a prison type grille. The unspeakable one says that Rimmer has created him, nurtured and made him the Unspeakable One. He is the part of Rimmer that hates himself. The self loathing, detests his own stupidity, incompetence etc .... what the world calls the walking vomit stain Arnold Rimmer. Rimmer squeaks out a tiny .... yes ! Lister says the others have 2 choices. Go in Bazookoids blazing, or just watch. The Cat asks for 'Opera Glasses'. They raise the grille and jump down, firing at the Unspeakable One (USO). The roof caves in partially. They discuss whether to continue firing for fear of bringing it all down. Lister says yes. Rimmer says, 'You would risk your own lives to try and save me !'. Kryten replies, 'Of course. You're one of the crew'. The USO goes 'aagghh!!!' and disappears down the pit. The chains break and Rimmers uniform re-appears on him. They do a runner back to Starbug, while Kryten quotes an applicable mechanoid saying 100011110110011000111010101, which roughly translated means don't stand about talking, RUN ! at this sort of time. As the Cat passes Rimmer outside, he says to him 'You're a wierd guy, you know that'. Back on Starbug Rimmer asks why they are staring at him. It's not my fault. I've had a bad day. I've been stripped, oiled, licked, chained, humiliated and almost had a knobbly thing the size of a Mexican Agave cactus jammed up where only customs men dare probe. Cat says don't you know what this place is. Rimmer says that it is a stinking infested hell- hole. Lister says, 'It's your mind'. Rimmer says it can't be. He doesn't loath himself. What is there possibly to loath about me ? Kryten asks if he wants a list ? He starts the list. He is despised by his parents because he didn't reach their standards. His brothers are the high fliers in the Space Corp. He is a vending machine repair man, his inability to form long term relationships, his cowardliness, lack of charm, honour and grace, he is not liked because of his fundamental unlikeableness. Rimmer says, 'Oh that'. Kryten asks him not to interrupt, because he is only half way through the list. Starbug starts to sink into the swamp/quick sand at this point. Cat suggests they get into the 'Jet powered rocket packs and junior birdman the hell out of there'. Kryten says there are only 2 drawbacks to this otherwise excellent plan. 1/ No such thing as Jet powered rocket packs and 2/ Jet powered rocket packs don't exist outside of the fictional comic series 'Robbie Rocket Pack'. The USO voice demands they hand over Rimmer, and the rest of them can go. Rimmer makes out a speech as though he was going to give himself up to save the others. Infact he admits, he is going to cower behind one of the boilers in the engine room. Holly says they must kill it, but Bazookoids have no effect against it. Kryten starts insulting Rimmer, and each time a truth hits home Starbug sinks a little deeper into the quagmire. Cat, Lister and Kryten have a private discussion in the cockpit. The real enemy is not out there, it is in there with them. The real enemy is in Rimmers head. The Cat suggests they cut off Rimmers head to deal with it. They must make Rimmer feel wanted. They must restore his self-esteem. Earlier on when Kryten said to Rimmer 'you're one of the crew', the USO was hurt and they got away. They must make him feel good. They must tell Rimmer that 'they love him'. The Cat says 'YOU'RE SICK'. Lister, Cat and Kryten all start to suck up to Rimmer. They say they won't leave him, they will stay and face certain death with him. They start to explain to Rimmer how guys muck about and insult each other because they can't say how they really feel. Lister and Kryten both tell Rimmer that they REALLY CARE and put a hand on one of Rimmers knees. Cat says, 'It's true, THEY really do care about you'. Rimmer thinks they are trying to shame him into going outside to face the USO and his hoards of Rimmer mind demons. Lister says no, 'I love you man, I really love you'. Kryten says they should have a 4 way hug situation. They all say they love you, big man, AJ, Arnie, beautiful man to Rimmer. Outside something strange happens. From the Rimmer graves several cavalier/musketeer dressed people appear. They are all Rimmer, they are his dead emotions. They start to fight the mind demon hordes. Goodbye loneliness, self doubt take this die like the dog you are mistrust. Starbug gets loose of the quicksand and takes off and leaves the planetoid. Rimmer later says, 'It was all baloney all that hugging stuff. It was just a way of escaping. You don't really think that deep down I'm an OK bloke, not such a bad stick once you get to know me. REPLY : :-) [NP]
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Kryten Robert Llewellyn Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Hattie Hayridge Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne Music Howard Goodall Casting Jane Davies Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw Unit Manager Irene Gibbons Video Effects Bruce Steele, Jez Gibson Production Team Nichol Hoye, Mairead Curtin Camera Supervisor Mike Spencer Gaffer Ron Green Consol Operator Dai Thomas Property Master Paul Purdy Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre Technical Manager Jeff Jefferty Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Design Howard Burden, Gill Shaw Make Up Design Andrea Pennell Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Production Design Mel Bibby, Stephen Bradshaw Associate Producer Julian Scott Director Juliet May Produce Hilary Bevan Jones Executive Production Rob Grant/Doug Naylor A Grant Naylor Production for BBC TV
  • GUEST CAST: Handmaidens Sara Stockbridge, Francine Walker-Lee
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Director Juliet May Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne
  • SEASON: 5
  • EPISODE: 28
  • TITLE: Quarantine
  • AIR DATE: 12 March 1992
  • SYNOPSIS: Rimmer forces the crew into quarantine when they rescue a female holo- gramatic doctor from a ship. Kryten, Cat, and Lister are at each others' throats after five of the 84 days in quarantine, and have to break their way out of the small quarters. Meanwhile, Rimmer has contracted the virus and is after the trio.
  • PLOT SUMMARY: Opening scene. A space station on a moon/planet. Blizzard Conditions. K: Gravity 1.5, wind 40 knots and variable, Coordinates locked and set. Launch Scouter. The Cat reaches for the release control. R: Wait a minute. I'm in charge of security and survellence on board this vessel. I Mr 'Keryten' am the one that says 'Launch Scouter'. K: I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to steal your thunder. R: Launch Scouter. Nobody does a thing. They all ignore Rimmer. R: LAUNCH SCOUTER. They still all ignore him. Looking round the cockpit at things like you do when you are deliberately ignoring someone. R: I'll be in the stern, correlating the ..... I'll be in the stern. K: Would you be so good as to launch the Scouter. (quietly to the Cat) C: YES SIR !! (Saluting) Aye Aye. Scouter Launched SIR. (Saluting) --------------------------------- The Scouter drone is seen heading off towards the apparently deserted space base. Next scene. Rimmer is in the stern. Lister, Kryten and Cat come to tell him something. ---------------------------------- K: Sir, it appears that we have encountered a scientific research centre. L: And there is someone in there man. A survivor. K: A Dr Hildegard Lanstrom. R: Clearly I am superfluous to this entire operation, abley commanded as it is, by a droid who was created to clean lavatories. So I don't know why you are bothering to tell me all this, Captain Bog-Bot (as in Robot). L: She's a hologram. K: I'm afraid we are going to have to commandeer your remote projection unit in order to rescue her sir. R: Oh I see, first of all I am deemed unsuitable to issue the command 'Launch Scouter', and now I am being bundled into an escape pod and relieved of my duties by Commander U-bend. L: Rimmer, why are you taking this so personal. It's the only way to get her back to the ship. R: Why do we need another hologram aboard the ship. K: She's a doctor and would be a valuable asset to the team. R: And as usual it is left to me to point out the fatal flaw in your logic. This vessel, gentlemen and khaazie (?) droids, the crimson short one up there can only sustain 1 hologram, or had you forgotten. Lister, Cat and Kryten look away. R: Oh, you hadn't forgotten. L: We can work something out. A timeshare or something. R: What do you think I am, a timeshare villa in the Algarve. K: Sir, may I remind you of Space Corp' directive #169.. R: Holly, prepeare me a pod, anything to save me from another (Kryten voice) 'Space Corp' Directive'. K: The Space Corp' directives are there to protect us. They are not a set of vindictive pronouncements directed against any one person. R: Has anyone ever seen this legendary Space Corp' directive manual. L: Well......no. (looking at Cat) R: He's making it up isn't he. The bloody book doesn't exist. K: Sir, I assure you... R: Why does he only ever use them against me ? Why never against Lister ? Why do we never hear a Space Corp' directive saying 'No crewmember should floss his teeth using the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superious (ie Rimmers) bunk'. K: Holly, furnish Mr Rimmer with a hologrammatic copy of the Space Corp' directive manual. It appears in Rimmer's hand. It is fairly small. R: You've changed you know, they may not see it but I do. I know what's happened, you've become a really nasty piece of work. You're meerly a mechanoid - don't ever forget that. K: You're a smee.../ You're a smee.... You're a smee... Hee................ (Cf RDV/2: 'Camille'). ------------------------------------ Next scene is inside the science station. ------------------------------------ L: Dr Lanstrom......... K: Are you there Dr ? They come across a vault type door. Lister brushes the dust off the door. As he goes down it, he exposes writing and pictures. Viral Research Dept. L: Oh brutal ! Most gross danger Bio suits must be worn at all times. (Red triangular warning sign. The picture inside it is of a man vomiting at the same time as his guts are exploding out of his body). K: There is no need for danger. If there were any dangerous viral strains the Psy-scan would have picked them up. Kryten shows them the scanner. It isn't working. K: It's never done that before. Cheap Martian power packs (hiting it). Beg your indulgence for a couple of minutes, it takes time to warm up. K: Here are the results and we're going to ......................live. L: (Sighs). We're a really Mickey Mouse operation aren't we. C: Mickey Mouse, we ain't even Betty Boop. Kryten is looking inside a metallic suitcase he has found. It contains vials of liquid. L: Look at these. They are (Mr ?) Stasis pods. One opens. K: Dr......Dr Lanstrom. DL:And whom might you be (VERY heavy German accent). L: Hi, we're just passing. DL: Shucklehauer (?) was right, life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen I am going to give your lives meaning. Dr Lanstrom (DL) sits up in the stasis pod. A howl eminates from her. Her eyes become a fluorescent red colour and electric type bolts come from them aimed at Lister, Kryten, Cat. L: Why can't we EVER meet anyone nice ? C: Why don't we ever meet anyone who can shoot straight ? ------------------------------------- Back to Rimmer in Starbug talking to Holly. ------------------------------------- R: I'm telling you Kryten is taking over, slowly but surely. I remember him in the beginning. He used to be a gibbering wreck, no self confidence, plagued by guilt and convinced he was fourth rate. I really liked him then. H: Escape pod checked and standing by. R: Check it again. H: I've done 3 complete checks and it's ready to launch. R: Right, I'm going (walks away through a door). R: (back again). What really gets me is the way he thinks he can order me about. Well he who lives by the rule book, dies by the rule book. Lister calls on the radio. L: Lanstrom has got some sort of holo-virus. She's totally barking. R: Listy ? L: We need backup badly and we need it now. R: Everything OK ? L: Can't you hear me. R: I'm sorry, you're very faint (lying through his teeth). K: Dr Lanstrom has contracted some sort of mutated holo-plague and is in an incurabe psychopathic fury. R: Marvellous ! I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset to the team. K: Sir, I'm going to change frequency......Can you hear me now ? Dr Lanstrom appears. Zaps at the radio with her eyes and picks it up and talks into it (hands free). DL:Hello. My name is Dr Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite quite mad. R: Are you really. How absolutely splendid. DL: I have a riddle for you. What is dead and dead and dead all over. R: I give in Dr Fruit-Loop, DO tell. DL: Yooooooouuuuuuu !!!! R: Well we know what to get you for Christmas. A double lobotomy and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper. Starbugs radio explodes in an electrical flash with bolts eminating from it. R: Holly, I really must be going. Keep me up to date with any developments. ----------------------------------- The pod returns to Red Dwarf. ----------------------------------- Lister, Cat and Kryten try to evade Dr Lanstrom. They are wondering what sort of virus does that to a person- gives them 'Hex Vision'. Kryten surmises that it is a Psy-Virus, which stimulates the dormant area's of the brain which up until now humankind has been unable to harness. Unfortunately it requires so much energy it drains the intended victims lifeforce. That was why she was in the Stasis Pod. She was preserving what little remained of her last victim. If she is running out of time they may be able to give her the run-around. However she appears behind them. DL: Twinkle twinkle little eye, now it is time for you to die. Her Hex Vision comes on. She runs out of energy and dissapears. She has finally been destroyed by the virus. They take back her work to study. DR Lanstrom had postulated that there are 2 sorts of virus. Positive and negative. We are familiar with the negative - flu, rabies - but not the positive. The positive viruses are like if your life has turned to complete and utter crud, you wake up in the morning feeling really good. A reverse flu. Also inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism are some Dr Lanstrom has isolated. (Lister steals the sexual magnetism one). Finally there is Felicitis Populi, commonly known as luck. The virus is safe and Lister has a shot. He picks all the aces from a deck of cards. 13-1, 221-1, 5525-1, 270725-1 !!! He tries to throw a dart with his left hand, over his shoulder, without looking at a dart board. He hits Kryten in the back of the head. The luck virus has worn off. H: There is a problem with the cargo bay doors. Rimmer has put in an override. R: Welcome. If you would like to proceed aft to bay 47. L: Bay 47. That's quarantine. R: Spot On. K: We're all clean. I scanned us. R: Well as much as I trust a viral screening carried out by an automated toilet attendent, Space Corp' directive #595 says no. I have no intention of contracting the equivalent of foaming dog fever. So if you will proceed to quarantine room 152 where you will be spending the next 3 months. -------------------------------- Room 152 is single quarters. 1 chair, 1 bed, 1 shower. Kryten doesn't think they will get through it. It is a scientific fact that human males need time alone. Popular pastimes include fishing, golf, the all time number 1 aswell. L: We hang out together anyway. C: Yeh, but we know we can leave when we want. R: Welcome to quarantine. I hope the next 84 days pass as quickly as the 100 years war. Space Corp' directive #597 states that every registered crew member shall have a berth. As Lister is the only registered crew member: only 1 berth. All Space Corp regulations on diet have been met. Sprout soup to start, sprout salad, finished off by a sprout crumble. L: Rimmer, you know sprouts make me chuck. R: That's awful. You are down for sprouts for almost every meal. I tell a lie, it is every meal. I must dash, I'm preparing your musical entertainment. A perpetually looped tape of Reggie Wilsons 'Tango Treats'. They agree not to argue in the entire time they are there. 'Boys from the Dwarf' !!!!!! ---------------------------------- Scene. It is five days later. Lister is seen filling out a time chart. He has a black eye, Cat a plaster on the nose and an arm in a sling with a plaster cast on. Kryten appears out of the bathroom. He has spent the last 2 hours panel-beating his head back into shape. They start to argue again when Lister says 'guys take it easy'. 'If you say take it easy one more time .....'. Kryten threatens Lister if he wants to stay alive for the remaining 78 days he should not blow his nose. Apart from the noise and the revolting gurgling sound, he describes the really gross part when Lister opens up his handkerchief. to look at the contents. What does he expect to find there. A Turner sea-scape ? The face of the Madonna ? a Shakespearian sonnet ? Lister calls Kryten tetchy and they start to argue again. Kryten covers his ears so he won't hear Lister calling him tetchy, but Lister writes it in big letters on the time chart (about A0 in size) and shows it to him. Kryten threatens to put on one of the 'entertainment' videos Rimmer left them. One on DIY home decorating. Kryten is threatened with Lister not helping him again. Kryten assures Lister he is perfectly capable of removing his own head from the waste disposal unit. The Cat says he will this time unscrew his head and mocrowave it next time, 'Frankenstein !!'. Keyten tells the Cat that Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster, a misconception made by all truly stupid people. The Cat hates being corrected so Kryten corrects him again. Lister tries to calm them all down. They have all become crazies in only five days. K: Well don't call me tetchy and don't blow your nose. C: Don't correct me, and DON'T play that video. L: We're going to get through this. K&C:DON'T SAY THAT WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS AGAIN !!!! L: This is insane, we've been here 5 days and there is no sign of the virus. K: That's it. 5 days without sign of the virus. Rimmer must re-screen us. Space Corp' directive #699 says that. He is playing by the book so he must do it. R: Your conversation makes interesting listening (He has been evesdropping for the last 2-3 hours). L: No-one has the disease. They are clean. No-one has the virus and no-one is smegging nuts. R: That's good. (He appears and is wearing a Red checked Little Bo-Peep type dress with blonde pigtails and a matching hat). R: Is something amiss ? L: No nothing (visibly stunned). R: What even with me wearing a red and white checked dress AND army boots and there is nothing up. C: No, just we thought you had gone nuts and were just humouring you. R: I was doing a little test to see if you had gone crazy. (Rimmer screams out-no words, just screams). R: If there is one thing I can't stand it's crazy people. L: Well we've passed the test, you can let us out. R: I can't. The King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you in here for 10 years. C: Could we see him. R: See who. C: The King. R: Do you have a magic carpet ? L: Yeah, a little 3 seater. R: So let me get this straight. You have a magic carpet and you want to fly on it to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane !?!? R: I think that deserves 2 hours W.O.O. L: W.O.O ?? R: With Out Oxygen. No oxygen for 2 hours. That will teach you to be bread baskets. L: What can we do. C: I think our only chance is the Potato King. Rimmer has the holo-virus. It was spread by radio when he spoke to Lanstrom (1). They must get out of the quarantine room as the oxygen will be unbreathable in 7 minutes. L: Can you crack the door code Kryten. K: The chances are billions - 1, but you could with a big shot of the luck virus. Lister has an extra big shot of the luck virus. He hits several keys on the door combination keypad. He stands back. The door doesn't open. Kryten says 'The last digit Sir'. The door opens. They must get to the Hologram projection suite and re-boot Rimmer to clear the holo-virus from his system before Rimmer catches them. Rimmer appears behind them. He has a companion. Mr Thlibble (MT). R: They've been bad boys haven't they Mr Thlibble. What's going to happen to them. MT:Uncle Arnie fries them with his Hex Vision. Zappppp. He misses. Rimmer is in the second stage of the virus. He is capable of Hex Vision, telepathy and telekenesis. A medium sized fire axe comes out of a telekenetically opened case and flies through the air and ends up in Krytens spine. He has a short malfunction. Rimmer appears again. He vapourises the door with his Hex Vision. R: Mr Thlibble is very cross, you shouldn't have ran away. What are we going to to with them Mr Thlibble ????? (MT whispers in Rimmers ear). R: We CAAAANNN'T possible do that. Who would clean up the mess. Mr Thlibble gets the Hex Vision. K: We need to use your luck Mr Lister. What we really need is a remote projection connection unit to the hologram projection suite. L: What like this ? (He picks up a box with remote projection written on the side). C: What a stroke of luck. K: And a power adaptor capable of holding spikes of up to 5 million volts. L: This (tripping over it) ? K: Extrodinary. K: and a B47/RF resistor. (Lister holds one up between his fingers). C: Look out. (Rimmer and Mr Thlibble appear). Kryten switches on the remote hologram unit just as Rimmer and Mr Thlibble 'Hex Vision' on. Rimmer falls to the ground and his dress returns to normal (from the red and white checked dress) and Mr Thlibble disappears. K: I think he's going to be Ok. L: I think the luck virus must have worn off. ------------------------------- Final scene. Rimmer wakes up in a quarantine room. R: What happened to me ??? Where am I ?? K: Don't worry. L: We're here to entertain you. There's a final gag but I'm keeping schtumm here. [NP]
  • NOTES: This was originally a much more complex episode entitled "Psi-Man".
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Kryten Robert Llewellyn Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Hattie Hayridge Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne Music Howard Goodall Casting Jane Davies Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw Unit Manager Irene Gibbons Video Effects Bruce Steele, Jez Gibson Production Team Nichol Hoye, Mairead Curtin Camera Supervisor Mike Spencer Gaffer Ron Green Consol Operator Dai Thomas Property Master Paul Purdy Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre Technical Manager Jeff Jefferty Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Design Howard Burden, Gill Shaw Make Up Design Andrea Pennell Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Production Design Mel Bibby, Stephen Bradshaw Associate Producer Julian Scott Director Juliet May Producer Hilary Bevan Jones Executive Production Rob Grant/Doug Naylor A Grant Naylor Production for BBC TV
  • GUEST CAST: Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom Maggie Steed
  • ADDITIONAL CREDITS: Directed by Grant Naylor
  • SEASON: 5
  • EPISODE: 29
  • TITLE: Demons and Angels (orig production title "High and Low")
  • AIR DATE: 19 March 1992
  • SYNOPSIS: The crew encounter evil doppelgangers after inventing the "triplicator" (twice as good as a duplicator). But instead of creating two duplicates, the triplicator creates one copy with all the best qualities and another with all the worst (ref ST:TOS "The Enemy Within"). The Red Dwarf exploded after creating a "good" ship and a "bad" ship. The "normal" Rimmer has been given a spinal implant and is being manipulated by the four "bad" crew to kill the "normal" crew.
  • PLOT SUMMARY: Opening Scene: Lister and Kryten are in Red Dwarfs Science Lab. Lister has pulled a ripe red strawberry out a a container. The container has a white wispy vapour evaporating off it. The strawberry has been frozen (probably in liquid nitrogen). It is placed on the middle of 3 pads on a workbench. L: Amazing, the last strawberry in the universe. K: Calibrator locked and set. Organic infrastructure recorded and stored. Engage triplicator. Lister starts up the machine. Beams of light hit all 3 of the pads. 2 new strawberries appear left and right of the original. L: It works ! Rimmer enters the science lab. R: What works ? K: We've adapted the matter panel (1). Only now the signal is split 3 ways (2), so as well as receiving the object back, we get 2 identical copies. L: This is going to solve ALL our supply problems. K: Taking into account the computations for recalibrating, I think we can produce 4, perhaps 5, strawberries a week. R: Well I don't know if the Nobel science people run a fruit section, but if they do you've GOT to be this years hot tip. Gentlemen, history beckons. You'll be famous, they'll build your statues, they'll even name towns after you. Dorksville springs instantly to mind. L: This machine could revolutionise our lives. R: Absolutely ! With this little baby running full pelt, I confidently predict we could have a full fruit salad by the end of the year. L: It's not just strawberries, this machine can duplicate anything. It can ... Lister picks up one of the new strawberries and and takes a bite out of it. He has a strange look on his face. K: Sir, what's wrong ? L: This strawberry IS INCREDIBLE. So succulent. It's divine. Lister picks up the other new strawberry and also takes a bite of this one. R: Is that the same ? Lister face is screwed up in disgust. L: Oh NO !, no. R: How's it different ? L: Bitter.. L: Bitter The shot cuts to the 'off' strawberry. It is crawling inside with maggots. Lister still hasn't seen them, though Rimmer and Kryten have. L: Rancid, king of tangy, crunchy, tangy, meaty even. Funny kind of wriggly texture. Lister sees the maggots. L: Oh .......... smeg ........ K: It's as if the triplicator has extracted all the very best elements out of one duplicate (ie the maggoty one), and all the very worst out of the other (ie the good one). L: So what would happen if we reversed the process ? Lister and Kryten restart the process but something goes badly wrong. The central console starts exploding and all the rest of the equipment in the lab follows suit. R: Nice experiment guys, what do you do for an encore ? Neutron bomb juggling ?! Red Dwarfs red alert starts to sound. H: Rude alert. Rude alert. A fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle. Many wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop, This is not a daffodil, repeat this is not a daffodil R: Well thankfully Holly is unaffected. K: The engine core is reaching critical mass. We will have meltdown in less than 15 minutes. R: Er, I think a brisk stroll in the direction of the cargo bay could be an outstanding career move at this point. L: Are you saying that Red Dwarf is going to blow ?! K: In less time than it take a Norwegian to buy ski boots ! Cat appears. C: Hey guys, I think they are playing our tune: the a-woo-ga waltz. Anyone care to join me in a quickstep. They all dash off in the direction of the cargo bay. Starbug lifts off and starts to head out of the ship. R: Holly, open cargo bay doors. K: Holly, tho..those cargo bay doors we talked about earlier, would you mind opening them please !! L: Holly, the doors Holly !! H: The phrase 'cargo bay doors' does not appear to be in my lexicon. L: Manual override. H: The phrase 'manual override' does.... L: Oh... forget it. Starbug crashes through the doors. K: That's 80 clicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone. C: You really think that it's going to blow ? R: This can't be happening. L: Nothings going to happen, we're just here as a precaution. The ship is full of failsafes anyway. Coolant systems, containment fields, vacumn shields. The chances of it blowing are ..... about 1 in ..... Red Dwarf explodes. (3) L: .... 1 The nearest asteroid with a S3 atmosphere is 6 hours away. Starbug however only has fuel for 5 hours flight. This isn't a major problem because they only have enough oxygen for 7 minutes left anyway. Rimmer tries to get Kryten to stick with him. They don't need oxygen. They could ditch Cat and Listers bodies' which should hopefully lighten the load enough so they could reach the asteroid. Lister says that's not the Red Dwarf way. One in trouble, all in trouble. They all stick together. The posse. "Boys' from the Dwarf" (doing a hands shaking out in front ritual -coolly. Hard to describe it !). Rimmer asks if they have anything in writing ? It's tragic that they are going to die, but life must go on. However in Mr Rimmers case that isn't quite true. He is operating on emergency batteries and they don't have any spares. He will expire in a little under 4 minutes. R: Ok home boys lets posse !! (Does the hand shaking, VERY badly). They are going to scan the wreckage for debris. Fuel tanks, oxygen etc. They come across 2 large objects. They are 2 Red Dwarfs. The triplicator has produced 2 duplicates before Red Dwarf was destroyed. The process wasn't reversed. The field didn't point in, it pointed out and Red Dwarf was copied. The strain of copying something so big caused a huge power drain and that caused the engine overload and the resulting explosion. There are now 2 Red Dwarfs. One succulent and divine, the other 'fish bait'. Cat asks why they can't just go and live on the new better Red Dwarf. The problem is there is a limited lifespan on any duplicates currently. In the lab, the fruit would only last for 1 hour. There will be copies of everything on the original Red Dwarf including the triplicator. They can retrieve it and try to combine the 2 copies to get the original Red Dwarf back. Lister and Cat are seen on the new better Red Dwarf. It has magnificent piped music, the air is wonderful: makes you glad to be alive. Everything on the ship is divine. L: Let's check the food. C: What did you order ? L: The ultimate test....... A Pot Noodle ! (4) Cat and Lister taste it. L&C: Mmmmm.... L: I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and given birth 2 twins, but I NEVER thought in my entire life I would taste an edible Pot Noodle. A divine Cat and Lister (dressed as Monks) and bid them a welcome. They explain about themselves. They are the higher selves, the spiritual side, the potential of Lister and Cat, which has been extrapolated from their beings. Cat says that the divine part could NOT be from him, no part of him would ever be seen alive in sandals. The divine cat explains that he has no need for a want of clothes. They are a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fullfilment. This is funny as the Cat finds spiritual and intellectual fulfilment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes. They join Rimmer and Kryten with the divine Rimmer and Kryten, also dressed as monks. The divine Cat and Lister Kryten and Rimmer spend their time with philosophy, poetry, music and study. Trying to expand their minds and unlock their full potential in the service of mankind. 'May your path lead you to wisdom and in wisdom know ye peace'. Rimmer thinks they are a bunch of losers. Hippies. Kryten asks Rimmer if he would think Jesus was a hippy. Rimmer replies yes, 'Well he was. Long hair and no job. What more do you want'. They have found the triplicator and they should scram before the mad monk brothers rope them into an evening of philosophical music and an evening of self-flagellation. However, the triplicator only has half the vital compontents needed. They must visit the 'low' Red Dwarf to retrieve them. The entertainment begins. There is to be Hykon (? couldn't make it out) readings, poetry recitals and musings on the inner soul. But first, music and dance. Brother Rimmer is portraying Agony. Who is searching out the truth. The truth danced to by Brother Cat. (Brother Kryten is the narrator, Brother Lister is playing a Lyre). Sister Holly interrupts unfortunately. She is receiving a weak distress call from the 'low' Red Dwarf.'They must haste over and help them'. The inside of the 'low' Red Dwarf is dark and dreary. They take it cautiously. However, Brother Kryten shout out 'Greetings, we bring you food and medical supplies'. He is shot in the chest almost immediately. He says to the assailant that they must have a faulty gun, and is shot another 4 times. 'He has shot me accidentally 5 times, how I love him'. Brother Cat show himself. 'You have a grievous fault with thy weapon. It keeps shooting people. Look, there it goes again' (as Cat is now shot). An object is now thrown at them. 'What is it. A greeting gift. A sparkling welcome orb. Let us embrace it'. It explodes, throws Lister clear but does not appear to do much damage. The 'low' Lister appears over Lister. (His appearance is of a Mexican type bandit from a Sergio Leone Western). He takes his cigar from his mouth and spits in Lister face. Lister runs. He comes across the 'low' Cat, who is a fanged monster wearing animal hide/furs and devouring raw flesh. Lister runs again and takes a rest against a wall. The 'low' Kryten does a Robocop and grabs him through the wall. Lister manages to escape again. He hears someone and calls out 'Rimmer' quietly. The 'low' Rimmer appears. He is dressed like Dr Frank'N'Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Basque, suspenders and stockings, leather, dog collars, feathers, a crooked H on his forehead. 'Hello my pretty. I want to HURT you because I'm not a very nice person. I'm going to whip you within an inch of your life...... and then I'm going to HAVE you'. He activates his holo-whip and whips Lister unconscious. Brother Lister/Brother Rimmer and Cat and Kryten divide up. The brother are not afraid. They need no weapons. They are wearing protective herbs. Lister is tied down on a medical examination bench (cf Star Trek type). He is fitted with a Spinal Implant. He can be controlled by remote control. The 'lows' want the divine Red Dwarf as on their ship nothing works and it is decaying. They give Lister a drink of coffee. He is forced to pick it up and pour the steaming hot coffee onto his crotch (5). He is also given something horrible to eat (even I cringed at this). Lister says that the 'low' Lister cannot be part of him. Yes he is. He is the part of Lister that likes horror movies, the part that pulled the legs off spiders as a child, held a magnifying glass into the sunlight and watched his best friends neck buuuuurrrrrnnnnnnnn. The part that lusts after meaningless sex. Lister says but I could never kill. But he is going to be made to because of the implant. He is given a knife and his mouth is taped over. Kryten and Rimmer enter the 'low' quarters of Rimmer and Lister while looking for the triplicator. They come across videos, 'Revenge of the Mutants Splat Gore Monsters', Die Screaming with Sharp Things in your Head'. Weapons magazines. This place is a shrine to everything low and base in like. Everything designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit. Kryten open a storage locker. 'Eeughh!, Toastie Toppers. Oh, Cinema Hot Dogs. Sweaty kebabs with brown lettuce coimg out of them'. Cat finds some CD's. 'Hammond Heaven', 'Karaoke Heaven', 'Peter Perfect plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies'. They find and take the triplicator. Lister meets Brother Lister and Brother Rimmer in a corridor. He kills Brother Lister and grabs Brother Rimmers light bead and crushes it. Brother Rimmer fades away. Rimmer, Cat and Kryten have set up a properly working triplicator when Lister appears mumbling again. Cat walks over and rips off the tape. L: MMmmnn C: What ? L: Look out I'm going to kill you !! I'm a homicidal maniac. My body is being remotely controlled by the 'lows' Lister now has an axe. L: K look out !! Kryten gets whacked on the head, then the neck by Lister with the axe. R: Shoot him ! L: What ! (Now strangling the cat) R: Blow his kneecaps off. It's the only way. L: Give me a break Rimmer. R: He's a homicidal manic, put him down. L: There must be some other way. Incapacitate me somehow. R: Hit him over the head with that axe. L: That'll kill me. R: Not if he does it gently. R: He's killing the Cat. K: What can I do. L: Incapacitate me in a painless way. The Cat incapacitates Lister, with sound effects !!, in probably the most painless way possible. (Guess it !!). L: (Very weak voice) That was un-necessary. C: Unnecessary !! Look what you've done to my neck line. This stuff never springs back (adjusting his shirt collar). Lister now grabs one of the bazookoids. L: Kryten left (he shoots right) L: Right (shoots left) L: You must take me by surprise K: I'm coming up behind you now Sir. L: Surprise me. Get ON with it. K: You may get an unpleasant sensation of Chloroform now sir. Surprising you now Sir. Lister is out cold. Starbug's engine are started but they won't catch. C: Damn, a flat battery. Who left the lights on ? K: No, it's the magnetic coils. They have de-polarised. It's as if the decay abouad this ship is contagious. R: 35 seconds. C: Try the backup. All systems check out. Starbug takes off and heads out of the cargo bay. Lister recovers from the chloroform and enters the cabin and starts hitting the controls. Kryten see's the spinal implant and pulls it out of Lister neck. Starbug off course, hits the side of the doors to the cargo bay. Kryten is almost knocked over. He loses the implant. It ends up in Cats neck. The Cat tries to strangle Lister now. Kryten pulls the implant out of Cats neck and throws it into the back of Starbug. The triplicator merges the 'high' and 'low' Red Dwarfs back into one original (3). Holly comes back on line on one of Starbugs' monitors. H: Engaging course 00 mark 0. Taking her home. Lister is virtually dead on his feet. He is helped into the back to rest. C: See what you did to my blue-song (blusan ??, adjusting his collar again), plus you almost killed me 3 times. L: Sorry it wasn't my fault. Once you get one of those things in you, you just go king of ... Lister sits down, on the implant that Kryten chucked into the back. K: Sir what's wrong ? R: I think he just sat on the spinal implant. K: It doesn't make sense. Who is controlling him ?! Cat grabs a bazookoid and shoots at a locker. The 'low' Lister falls out dead dropping the control box. K: I think I'd better remove and destroy it once and for all. C: What a minute (picking up the control box). All I ask is one week ! Cat starts twiddling with the control box. Lister slaps himself in the face. First with the right hand, then the left, right ... C: Boy, this is going to be FUN !!!!!
  • NOTES: 1) The Matter Panel. First seen in RD IV/6: 'Meltdown'. 2) Here there was a massive, whopping big continuity error. Krytens explanation started about mid sentence. 3) The explosion and recreation effects of Red Dwarf were very Blakes 7. In this day and age, they really should have done better. 4) Pot Noodle. Incase Pot Noodles aren't available abroad. What they are is a dried noodle type substance with little bits of veg' and meaty bit in them. Also a small sauce portion. Soy, mango chutney depending on the flavour. Pretty much a last resort type of food. You make them by filling about 3/4 full with boiling water and let sit for 4 minutes or so for the dried noodles (loose sense of the word) to rehydrate. 5) The coffee in the crotch was very similar to the description of Lister pouring coffee (unknown at that point) from a Thermos flask to put out a cigarette he dropped between his legs when in a Hopper taxi on Mimas (See Red Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers Book).
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Kryten Robert Llewellyn Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Hattie Hayridge Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne Music Howard Goodall Casting Jane Davies Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw Unit Manager Irene Gibbons Video Effects Bruce Steele, Jez Gibson Production Team Nichol Hoye, Mairead Curtin Camera Supervisor Mike Spencer Gaffer Ron Green Consol Operator Dai Thomas Property Master Paul Purdy Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre Technical Manager Jeff Jefferty Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Design Howard Burden, Gill Shaw Make Up Design Andrea Pennell Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Production Design Mel Bibby, Stephen Bradshaw Associate Producer Julian Scott Director Juliet May Producer Hilary Bevan Jones Executive Production Rob Grant/Doug Naylor A Grant Naylor Production for BBC TV
  • SEASON: 5
  • EPISODE: 30
  • TITLE: Back to Reality
  • AIR DATE: 26 March 1992
  • SYNOPSIS: An abandoned spaceship is discovered.
  • PLOT SUMMARY:
  • CREDITS: Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie Dave Lister Craig Charles Kryten Robert Llewellyn Cat Danny John-Jules Holly Hattie Hayridge Written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Stunt Coordinator Gareth Milne Music Howard Goodall Casting Jane Davies Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw Unit Manager Irene Gibbons Video Effects Bruce Steele, Jez Gibson Production Team Nichol Hoye, Mairead Curtin Camera Supervisor Mike Spencer Gaffer Ron Green Consol Operator Dai Thomas Property Master Paul Purdy Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre Technical Manager Jeff Jefferty Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings Stage Manager Kerry Waddell Production Assistant Christine Moses Costume Design Howard Burden, Gill Shaw Make Up Design Andrea Pennell Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes Lighting Director John Pomphrey Production Design Mel Bibby, Stephen Bradshaw Associate Producer Julian Scott Director Juliet May Produce Hilary Bevan Jones Executive Production Rob Grant/Doug Naylor A Grant Naylor Production for BBC TV
  • GUEST CAST: Andy Timothy Spall Cop Lenny van Dohlen New Kochanski Anastasia Hille Nurse Marie McCarthy New Lister John Sharian -------------------------------------------------------------------------------